December 18, 1995
Chappy Chaunakah! Yes, last night the first candle was lit on the menora so technically it’s still the first day of Haunakah, at least until sundown. I guess with this group it shouldn’t matter too much one way or the other.
Some of you might be wondering if I’ve dropped off the face of the earth. Actually, I have. I’ve been abducted by aliens and replaced with a very lifelike robot who spends most of his time working.
Fortunately the aliens let me radio messages like this one through him.
Enjoy this forward, and I’ll be returning to Earth as soon as possible.
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.
Dogs don’t criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you — except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.
Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are good with kids.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs do not read at the table.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren’t threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs look at your eyes.
Dogs like your size.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs take care of their own needs.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Why Men Are Better Than Dogs
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don’t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Men don’t eat cat turds on the sly.
Men open their own cans.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Holiday Inns accept men.
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