September 5, 1996
Folks, I hate to break it to you, but I’ll be off for the next three Fridays. So this week’s edition is coming to you a day early, unless you’re in Sri Lanka, where, thanks to the international dateline, it will arrive on time for once. If you think you can’t live without your weekly dose of Freethinking, though, check out a new web site designed by one of your fellow Freethinkers, who will be a little less anonymous than he was. The site is:
and contains archived versions of the very oldest editions. We all do foolish things when we’re young, so I cannot be held responsible for them.
Speaking of foolish things, the impervious Richard Nixon once said of politics, "This would be great if it weren’t for all the people." I’m beginning to feel the same way–about going to the movies. I love going to the movies. For whatever strange reason, I love waiting in line, spending $2 for 40 cents worth of a watered down soft drink, and getting a tub of popcorn which, no matter what I tell them, the movie theater attendants have soaked with butter-flavored melted Crisco. And I love trying to delicately season that popcorn with movie theater salt which, for some reason, is orange, and comes in a specially designed container with the Uncontrollable Flow(tm) top. I love the way my feet stick to the floor as I try to find just the right seat, and I love the new convenient drink holders that are either too large or too small no matter what size drink you get. All that is worth it to be able to relax for a little while in front of the large silver screen, lose myself in a movie…if it weren’t for the people. The people who sit directly in front of me when there are only about four people in the entire theater. The people who provide a running commentary–to themselves. The people who get the 42-ounce Burpola Soft Drink and spend the rest of the movie going back and forth while I cram myself into my seat to let them by. Or the weirdest one of all: the woman who, all through "Pulp Fiction", sat behind me saying "Ah’ve seen this before. Ah saw it on TV" while someone next to her kept repeating, "That ain’t true. It ain’t never been on TV." Why do I do it? Could I possibly love the communal cinema-going experience THAT much, or am I just certifiably insane? On second thoughts, don’t answer that–I have a pretty good idea what you’ll say.
Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in South Georgia
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders ’95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you’d hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders ’95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10. Microsoft’s programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++"
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y’all come back now!"
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr’sawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill’s a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Redman plug’n’play interface.
24. They could still use Ky-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny would be the one after that.
25. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program manager.
26. Instructions for use would include "mash the control key."