October 25, 1996
I’ve been hit really hard with a winter cold. This isn’t just any ordinary cold, either–this one was probably bred in some secret underground laboratory and snuck out in the night watchman’s liverwurst. I’ve begged, pleaded, and blown my nose at it, but diseases are merciless, so I’ve had to declare war on it. I’m taking fifteen million miligrams of vitamin C a day, drinking orange juice, apple juice, grape juice, and when I get sick of all that, there’s Banana Raspberry Cranberry Passion Fruit Lime Tangelo Punch, the latest flavor from Ocean Wave, the company known for its high-salt fruit juices. I’ve even been tempted to start popping cold pills–you know, the ones that do nothing for your cold, but knock you out cold? Of course, they have the "non-drowsy formula", but have you ever noticed that on the back of those there’s a warning that says, "May cause drowsiness"?
What I like least of all, though, is cough medicine. All cough medicines taste like asphalt lightly sprinkled with fertilizer. All cough medicines except for my Aunt Ethel’s homemade recipe, though, the main ingredient of which was whiskey. Aunt Ethel came from that area of Central Europe where the leading cause of death is hypochondria, followed closely by cirrhosis of the liver. It was, however, from Aunt Ethel’s side of the family that I got the idea for this week’s edition. Back in the far reaches of my family tree, there’s my less-than-revered Uncle Theodosius, who once said, "’Tis but a minor ailment. ‘Twill not kill me." As poor Uncle Theo soon learned, though, diseases are merciless. So is history–but hey, who knew the Black Plague would be so bad?
Rejected State Mottos
FLORIDA:
The Gunshine State
ALABAMA:
Literacy Ain’t Everything
ARKANSAS:
At Least We’re not Oklahoma
ILLINOIS:
Gateway to Iowa
KENTUCKY:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
MAINE:
For Sale
MONTANA:
Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
NEW JERSEY
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
NEW MEXICO:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NORTH CAROLINA:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
OHIO:
Don’t Judge us by Cleveland
PENNSYLVANIA:
Cook with Coal
SOUTH DAKOTA:
Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE:
The Educashun State
TEXAS:
Si Hablo Ingles
UTAH:
Our Jesus is Better than Your Jesus
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