The shortest distance…

March 14, 1997

I’ve gotten a lot of criticism for not using sidewalks. And not just from Going Nowhere, the official Sidewalk Society of America. Close friends have yelled at me from across long distances to say, "Hey, why aren’t you using the sidewalk?" I ask: Why bother? First, grass is a lot softer to walk on. Sure, it can be damp sometimes, but if the grass is wet, the sidewalks will be covered with enormous puddles ranging anywhere from a few inches to several feet in depth. Grass is also made to be walked on. Millions of years of evolution have made grass the perfect walking material. And even if you’re environmentally conscious, grass is not even close to being endangered. Grass also provides you with the shortest distance between two points. Every nine-year old in the world knows that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. The ones that don’t grasp this simple fact grow up to be sidewalk designers. Sidewalks inevitably take you as far from where you want to go as possible, then lead you back around. A five-minute walk becomes five hours if you follow the sidewalk. Come to think of it, they’re the perfect excuse. The next time your boss says, "Why are you late?" just answer, "It’s the sidewalk’s fault." People who use the sidewalks are people who are going to classes, meetings, or jobs that they really don’t want to go to. Maybe it’s about time I give sidewalks a second chance.

Speaking of second chances, enjoy this bit of nostalgia…


YOU MIGHT BE A CHILD OF THE 80’S IF…

while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again

the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis

you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song

you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

you knew all the words to Billy Joel’s "We Didn’t Start the Fire", but it really didn’t hold any meaning for you until about the third verse

you’ve ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut"

you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you’re older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time

you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powderform, thankyouverymuch

the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories

you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired – it was called "Battlestar Galactica"

songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day

three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?

you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn’t an expensive option that required gadgets – it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!

you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV

a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid"

you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad

you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was

you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone"

you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It’s the end of the world as we know it"

you can’t remember when the word "networking" didn’t have a computer connotation to it as well

you’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases:

  • "When I was younger"
  • "When I was your age"
  • "You know, back when…"
  • "Because I SAID so, that’s why"
  • "What is this noise on the radio?"
  • "Just can’t (fill in the blank) like I used to

You can’t remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN’T involve 49,000 selections to choose from

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language

Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to annoy you by calling you "sir" or "ma’am"

you’re starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you’re ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes

flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart

the first time you heard the candidates names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.

you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video

at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm

"Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance

the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna

there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter"

you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons

you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time

you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete

the phrase "Where’s the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter

you read the "Hot Video Games Player’s Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time’s sake

honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands

you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely

(female) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship’s photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo

you’re still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party

you’re starting to dread you’re 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it’s possibility

you’ve ever said "I’m a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there…and gee, is that a suede bag…those shoes leather, too?"

you’re starting to believe that maybe 30 isn’t so old after all, and it’s those people over 40 you have to look out for

you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 – 50" age category on most questionnaires

you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age

your hair, at some point in time in the 80’s, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"

this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters…you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia or Han Solo. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

you’ve ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

you can’t remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn’t mean going to an electrical warehouse

you’re starting to believe (now that it wouldn’t affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all

you’re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree

you won’t walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there’s too many kids there"

going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up

you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry

(male) you’re starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren’t REALLY for guy’s going through a mid-life crisis. That’s not YOU.

you’re starting to get that "why aren’t you married yet" shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married

you’ve recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurts to do so

you’re finding that you just don’t understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more

you never wanted to be gagged with a spoon

U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now

you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation

When someone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end

you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene

you ever used the phrase "don’t make me angry…you wouldn’t LIKE me when I’m angry" when trying to frighten someone off

you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura’s wedding (on General Hospital)

you remember "Hey, let’s be careful out there"

your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway

you know who shot J.R.

this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

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