The birds and the bicuspids

May 16, 1997

Spring is in the air, and we all know what that means: a trip to the dentist. It seems that almost everyone I know has had to go to the dentist recently, and for once I’m going along with the crowd. Doomsday is set for sometime next week. I’m not as worried about it as I usually am, though, because last time I went in they were very eager to test out their new laughing gas mask on me, and it made their little reenactment of the Spanish Inquisition…well…almost pleasant. But it wasn’t the REALLY good stuff. The stuff I had years ago when they pulled three teeth was so powerful I lay in the chair for what seemed like hours talking to the vaccum cleaner. It didn’t even worry me when the vacuum cleaner started talking back. Then it grew wings and flew away, so I talked to the parrots on the ceiling instead. I can’t tell you whether the teeth were pulled or not. At one point I remember seeing the dentist, but then I became a ballerina. I was too busy pirouetting to worry about my teeth. No, the new stuff just isn’t as good. It made me feel slightly dizzy and drunk, which the dentist found pretty amusing. So now you know why they call it laughing gas–it gives them a chance to laugh at you.

Now that spring is in the air, enjoy the following piece. And if you happen to get arrested in Bozeman, Montana, don’t say I didn’t warn you.


25 Weird Sex Laws

  • A law in Faibanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

  • In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

  • In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

  • If police officers in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle, they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

  • Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

  • A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

  • In Aimes Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

  • A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

  • In Bozeman, Montana, you can’t perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

  • A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

  • Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

  • Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

  • During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

  • In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

  • In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

  • Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

  • In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

  • In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

  • Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

  • In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.

  • A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

  • No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

  • In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

  • The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

  • In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

Oh, what the heck–here’s something for you spring cleaners:

A peek inside Martha Stewart’s 1997 calendar:

Jan 1: Catch up on gardening–sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997.

Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the earth.

Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg.

Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.

Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.

Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.

Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with edlerly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.

Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan 16: Sleep 20 minutes. Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.

Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault.

Jan 20: Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

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