July 25, 1997
What causes people to snap? I mean, what causes people to completely lose their marbles? I’ve been wondering about this because there’s been a lot in the news lately about a man who was living an extravagant lifestyle entirely funded by someone else, a man with no cares, no worries, and no responsibilities, and then suddenly he went on a killing spree. I’m also concerned because I can see a clock tower from my office, and not only are clock towers magnets for lunatics, but this one seems to be calling my name. This week, I’ve spent at least four hours a day on the phone, and of that time, three hours and fifty minutes has been spent on hold while any joy I get from popular music is slowly hacked away. I love Queen’s "Another one bites the dust", but I will never hear it the same way again now that I’ve heard it performed on the pan flute. The frightening thing is, as deranged and warped as it may seem, the cares, worries, and responsibilities of my working week may have been what kept me from going completely over the edge. This worries me more than anything else. I think a little insanity is healthy–it’s good for you. It keeps things in perspective. So if you see someone up in a clock tower hurling water balloons, or if you hear that a harmless madman is calling people and asking if their refrigerator is still running, don’t worry–it’s just me. And if your clock towers are calling out to you, maybe it would be a good thing if you joined me. Can you imagine how terrible it would be if we all suddenly went sane?
Cultural Differences Explained
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G’day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ACCORDING TO YOUR DOG
- Thou shalt feed me today more than thou didst yesterday
- Thou shalt teach me with food – not big sticks and loud voices
- Thou shalt walk with me every day – despite thy favorite TV program
- Thou shall not buy furniture that I cannot sit on
- Thou shalt not pay attention to anyone else but me – lest I feel un-wanted
- Thou shalt love me to death – even when I bark all night
- Thou shalt not have a Cat with ATTITUDE and CLAWS
- Thou shalt not start the car until I am in it
- Thou shalt not hide the food
- Thou shalt obey the above without question lest I POOH on the neighbors lawn and promote community strife.
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