Hold the cream cheese.

September 12, 1997

Someone asked me earlier this week what the shelf life of a bagel is. I wasn’t quite sure, so I did a little research, and, as far as I could determine, the life of bagels is not measured in days of years but in geologic periods. Bagels will probably last longer than coelocanths and horseshoe crabs. This is because bagels are made by boiling and then baking the dough, which not only kills anything that could possibly be living inside them, but makes them impervious to just about anything. Bagels are the ultimate indestructible food, and held that position long before twinkies ever came into existence. And bagels are even better because if you drive over a twinkie, it flattens it. If there’s ever a shortage of rubber, we can use large bagels as tires. You’re probably wondering why bagels are made to withstand conditions that would even kill cockroaches. It’s simple: the tribes of Israel wandered through the desert for forty years. The bagel was invented in case they ever have to do it again.

Enjoy this week’s offering.


CROSS-EXAMINATION TECHNIQUES

… from the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal. They are a set of questions asked of witnesses during trials and the author says they are true.

  1. "Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"

  2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

  3. "Were you alone, or by yourself?"

  4. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

  5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

  6. "Did he kill you?"

  7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

  8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

  9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

  10. Q: "So the date of conception(of the baby), was Aug.8?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

  11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

  12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

  13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?"
    A: "I went to Europe, sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

  14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by who’s death was it terminated?"

  15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

  16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

  17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

  18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
    A: "Oral."

  19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

  20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

  21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."


HOW TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE

  1. Leave the copy machine set to enlarge 200%, extra dark, 17×11 inch paper, 99 copies.

  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

  7. Reply to everything someone says with "that’s what YOU think."

  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

  10. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

  11. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

  12. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

  13. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

  14. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

  15. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

  16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

  17. Honk and wave to strangers.

  18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

  19. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

  20. type only in lowercase.

  21. dont use any punctuation either

  22. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

  23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it’s gone now."

  24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

  25. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

  26. Ask people what gender they are.

  27. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

  28. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

  29. Sing along at the opera.

  30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

  31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

  32. Send e-mail jokes relentlessly to friends until they regret the day that they ever bought a PC and told you their email address!

 

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