Excuse me, pardon me…

July 17, 1998

Recently there’s been a lot of paranoia about the possibility of a giant meteor, comet, runaway moon, or other badly thrown piece of cosmic sports equipment hitting the Earth and destroying all life except for viruses, cockroaches, and certain rock stars. Now NASA astronomers have issued a possible solution. This is apparently in response to several understandable public concerns that the hundreds of telescopes around the world and the Hubble space telescope will all be turned the other way when a meteor the size of an African country suddenly changes its course and heads for us, leaving barely enough time to crowd the entire population into a mineshaft which will be flattened when the meteor lands directly on it. NASA’s solution? Push it out of the way. Really. It would take less effort, and would preserve the meteor for study. But do we really want to preserve what’s basically an interplanetary bully–especially when it might come back? No, I think the popular solution of hurling a bunch of overrated movie stars at threatening objects is the best. If that doesn’t work, well, maybe we can cut a deal with the coackroaches.


A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you……………mess it up.

Better be safe than………………………punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ……………………………..bug is close.

It’s always darkest before……………..daylight savings time.

You can lead a horse to water but……………………….how?

Don’t bite the hand that………………………..looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a………………………………….Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new…………………………math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the…………………………..pigs.

An idle mind is……………………….the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke, there’s………………………pollution.

Happy the bride who……………………gets all the presents.

A penny saved is………………………………….not much.

Two’s company, three’s……………………….the musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not…………..spanked or grounded.

When the blind leadeth the blind…………..get out of the way.


If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.

You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark. You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.

If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare is barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed. (Can anyone really confirm this to be fact?-CW)

When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet onto your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.

The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.

Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences, on average, than good-looking criminals.

Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.

In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone captivated a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.

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