What’s Next, the Circus?

April 30, 1999

Recently a ban on ice cream trucks in a small community outside Boston was lifted. I first heard about this several months ago, and apparently the people who first crammed it down the throats of the community are already trying to get it restored. What do they have against the ice cream man? Here are their reported complaints:

1. The drivers of the ice cream trucks could be complete strangers, and there’s no way to know what sort of people they are.

Okay, this is a legitimate concern, but rather than banning the ice cream truck, as much a staple of summertime as going barefoot and playing baseball, why don’t parents get out and meet the ice cream delivery person? Maybe things have changed since I was a kid, but when my friends and I would go to buy ice cream, we were always accompanied by an adult. If the parents can’t be there, then how about setting down a few simple rules? Here’s one: The ice cream man never gets out of his truck, and no one else ever goes in. That should prevent a lot of problems.

2. They’re concerned about the lack of nutritional value in fudgesicles and nutty buddies.

Here’s a radical idea: if parents don’t want their kids eating the ice cream, they should say no. If nobody buys the ice cream, the trucks will stop coming. With the ice cream truck, anyway, a boycott is just as effective as clogging up the local legislature with unnecessary laws.

3. Children could get hurt by traffic when they’re chasing after the ice cream trucks.

Children could also get hurt climbing trees, but when have you ever heard of them being denounced as a safety hazard? And although I’d rather not see anyone get hit by a car, is it fair to blame the ice cream truck when some other driver is the one at fault?

4. The music they play is annoying.

The music my hillbilly neighbors play is annoying too. It’s also a lot louder, and goes on for hours, but there’s nothing I can do about it unless it’s after 9PM. Compared to the twangs of "Erlene Done Left Me For A Mule", a few minutes of "Pop Goes the Weasel" is pleasant, and brings back some happy memories of summers long ago.

The ban, by the way, was lifted because of the efforts of a six-year old girl who wrote to law enforcement officials in surrounding areas. She found no evidence of kidnapping, drug peddling, abuse, or injury associated with ice cream delivery trucks. Look for it on an upcoming episode of "Kids Repeal The Darnedest Laws."

Enjoy this week’s offerings guaranteed not to rot your teeth.


THE ICE CREAM FLAVOR PERSONALITY TEST

Learn all about your personality…

Pick your favorite flavor of ice cream from the following:
1) Vanilla
2) Chocolate
3) Butter pecan
4) Banana
5) Strawberry
6) Chocolate chip

Pick your flavor before you continue…

Don’t peek! Are you ready to learn about your personality? A national manufacturer of ice cream, Edy’s Grand Ice Cream, commissioned an ice cream flavorology study to determine how ice cream preferences relate to personality. The study, conducted by Dr.Alan R. Hirsch (MD), Neurological Director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, revealed that distinct personalities correspond with ice cream flavors.

If you like vanilla, you are colorful, impulsive, a risk taker who sets high goals and has high expectations of yourself. You also enjoy close family relationships.

If you like chocolate, you are lively, creative, dramatic, charming, enthusiastic, and the life of the party. Chocolate fans enjoy being at the center of attention and can become bored with the usual routine.

If you like butter pecan, you are orderly, perfectionistic, careful, detail-oriented, conscientious, ethical, and fiscally conservative. You are also competitive, aggressive in sports, and the take-charge type of personality.

If you like banana, you are easy going, well adjusted, generous, honest, and empathetic.

If you like strawberry, you are shy, yet emotionally robust, skeptical, detail oriented, opinionated, introverted, and self critical.

If you like chocolate chip, you are generous, competitive, and accomplished. You are charming in social situations, ambitious, and competent.

The flavorology research compatibility chart for ice cream lovers:

If your favorite flavor is:

Vanilla – you are most likely to be compatible with someone whose favorite flavor is vanilla.

Chocolate – compatible with butter pecan or chocolate chip.

Butter Pecan – compatible with butter pecan, chocolate and chocolate chip.

Banana – compatible with all flavors.

Strawberry – compatible with chocolate chip.

Chocolate Chip – compatible with butter pecan, strawberry or chocolate.


Never trust a dog to watch your food.
–Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
–Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
–Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
–Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.
–Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
–Rosemary, Age 7

Don’t flush the toilet when you dad’s in the shower.
–Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
–Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
–Nicholas, Age 11

Don’t ever be too full for dessert.
–Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don’t answer him.
–Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
–Michael, Age 14

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.
–Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.
–Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
–Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
–Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.
–Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.
–Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.
–Hank, Age 12

Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand.
–Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
–Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
–Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
–Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake. Go for the icing!
–Cynthia, Age 8

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