What Do YOU Use ‘Em For?

May 28, 1999

It’s been said that things come in threes. Actually it was my Great Aunt Vita who told me that, and she also told me that the Earth was only six thousand years old, that the sun revolved around it, and that rubbing a lima bean on your hand will remove warts, so maybe she wasn’t the most reliable source of information. This week, however, three unusual things have drawn my attention and then remained on the surface of my mind. This probably says more about me and Aunt Vita’s continuing influence than anything else, but…Before I digress any further, here are those three things:

  • In a fast food restaurant there’s a small note at the bottom of menu over the cash register that says, "Picture menus available on request." Who is this for? Obviously it’s for people who can’t read. But if it’s for people who can’t read, how are they supposed to read the note?

  • Last Friday I received a note from the building manager: the air conditioning would be turned off for repairs over the weekend, so the manager wasn’t sure whether it would be really cold, really hot, or normal. I was advised to "please dress accordingly." Accordingly to what?

  • And the third thing was…well, there was no third thing. I was deliberately leading you on in the hopes that something would happen while I was typing. Has anybody got any lima beans?


Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the S

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People Seven Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, That’s Just Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and more Big Sky

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a @*#%! Motto? I Got Yer @*#%! Motto Right Here

New Mexico: Our Aliens Are Better Than The California Kind

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an attorney…

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: Tennesseein’ is Tennebelievin’

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?


A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little while and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery." The priest says: "How many times?" The woman answers: "Three times." The priest tells her, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest says, "What did you do?" The man asnwers, "I committed adultery." The priest asks, "How many times?" The man replies, "Three times." The priest tells him, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The rabbi says, "What did you do?" The woman replies, "I committed adultery." The rabbi asks, "How many times?" The woman says "Once." The rabbi says, "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.00."

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