We’re havin’ a heat wave

June 11, 1999

Or, alternatively, "How about this heat?" Of course nothing beats the classic "Hotter than a two dollar pistol," a phrase that has come to have even greater meaning over the years. As you know, it’s early in the summer and already temperatures are reaching record highs. This has a lot of people talking about global warming. Now, admittedly, I believe in global warming, especially since there’s a lot of strong science behind it, but what bothers me is everyone complains about it. Very few people have given serious thought to some of the potential benefits of global warming. So here are a few:

  • Without icebergs, the Titanic wouldn’t have had a problem.

  • With its new Mediterranean climate, Canada will have a huge tourism industry.

  • Polyester, sales of which have been declining for years, will finally go where it belongs: the back of everyone’s attic.

  • If someone says, "I’ll make you a deal on some beachfront property in Nevada," they’ll actually be serious.

  • Higher amounts of carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide in the atmosphere will take some of the pressure off of smokers.

  • If you punch a guy who says, "How about this heat?" no jury will convict you.

So remember: there’s a bright side to everything. Especially since scientists now believe the sun is putting out more energy now than it was a decade ago, thus adding to the effects of global warming. I think it’s time to buy stock in air conditioning.

Enjoy this week’s hot offerings.


Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

  1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

  2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

  3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

  4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

  5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

  6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

  7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

  8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!.

  9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

  10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

  11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.


THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

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