Your Secret’s Safe With Me

June 25, 1999

Earlier this week the vice-president spent a little time in the fair city of Nashville, and on the fair college campus where I work. This of course meant that, for a while, the place was swarming with Secret Service guys in their inconspicuous black suits, white shirts, sunglasses, and clear plastic hearing aids. It also meant that huge areas were taped off and marked "NO ADMITTANCE". All I wanted to do was get to work. Because the lawns were taped off, I was forced to cut through buildings. Because the buildings were also infested with the SS, I was priveleged enough to meet one. "Hold it," he said, standing up from his chair in the hallway. "Where are you going?" I replied, "The library." This seemed to baffle him.

"Library…library…what floor is that on?" Now, this was a classic opportunity for a sarcastic, toying-with-authority sort of remark, especially since the library is in a completely different building, but, as much as I hate to admit it, I’m a coward when it comes to such things. Every time an opportunity like this comes up, a little voice whispers in my ear, "Remember Groucho." Groucho Marx, on a return flight from Europe, put down his occupation on his customs form as "smuggler". He then sat in customs for five hours while his luggage was systematically shredded. Delusions of authority deprive some people of their sense of humor, and, I could tell this secret service guy was no exception. His eyeballs were jiggling. He’d probably been sitting in that chair drinking coffee for hours. To make it worse, he was probably a bundle of nerves, frustration, and failed ambitions. The top-notch Secret Service guys get to guard the President. This guy was not only assigned to the VP team, but his whole assignment was to sit in an empty hallway stopping librarians. He didn’t have what it takes to be part of the REAL Secret Service. In short, I felt sorry for him. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have told him my tuna fish sandwich was a case of C4 explosive. Being able to arrest me would have given him a feeling of importance, and it would have given me a nice vacation from work for a few hours. Or three to six months. At least I didn’t have any luggage to worry about.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


GEORGE CARLINisms

Ads in Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels… I write, "Could you throw this away for me, please? Thank you."

Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walked off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes:

My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes.’ For Cripe’s sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’. I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘how can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out there entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating… you finish off as a gleam.

Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% "I don’t know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote… They’re voting "I don’t know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON’T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I’m not in the mood."

Answering Machine:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? "Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love.’" Beep." "Uh, yeah… this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


World Leaders:

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here’s the scoop on the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: associates with healers and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.,

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??

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Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Candidate B is Winston Churchill,
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler,

Kind of Scary…

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