Nobody Got An Eye Put Out

July 30, 1999

This morning I turned on the radio and heard a sound that raised the hairs on my arm. It was a child chanting, "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary…" over and over again. Apparently this was recorded at a camp and the child was performing a game he and his friends put each other up to late at night. You may be familiar with it: someone goes into the bathroom, turns the lights off, closes his or her eyes, stands in front of the mirror, and turns around thirteen times (although the number varies) while chanting the name of some dreaded figure. After the thirteenth (or whatever number) rotation is finished, the child opens his or her eyes and will see the figure invoked in the mirror.

In my neighborhood, it was the Bell Witch, the name given to a poltergeist who supposedly tormented and murdered members of the Bell family. For some unknown reason I went along with this one night, having been triple dog-dared into it, and I can honestly say I have no clue what the Bell Witch looks like. Apparently the idea is not to invoke some dreaded figure from the past. The idea is to get some moron into the bathroom alone, get him or her to close his or her eyes, spin around and make a lot of noise, and, while this is going on, sneak into the bathroom yourself and, when the other person is finished, grab them and scream loudly. Sadly, though, I was always a victim and never a grabber, and I think my chances for ever being a grabber have long since slipped away. When kids grab each other in a dark bathroom, it’s goodnatured fun. When adults do it…well…the less said the better.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


DAILY EXERCISE FOR THE NON-ATHLETIC

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise…………………………Calories burned per hour

Beating around the bush……………………….75
Jumping to conclusions……………………….100
Climbing the walls…………………………..150
Swallowing your pride…………………………50
Passing the buck……………………………..25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight)…………………50-300
Dragging your heels………………………….100
Pushing your luck……………………………250
Making Mountains out of molehills……………..500
Hitting the nail on the head…………………..50
Wading through paperwork……………………..300
Bending over backwards………………………..75
Jumping on the bandwagon……………………..200
Balancing the books…………………………..25
Running around in circles…………………….350
Eating crow…………………………………225
(astoundingly crow is calorie-free)
Tooting your own horn…………………………25
Climbing the ladder of success………………..750
Pulling out the stops…………………………75
Adding fuel to the fire………………………160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end………………..12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms ……………………….50
Putting your foot in your mouth……………….300
Starting the ball rolling……………………..90
Going over the edge…………………………..25
Picking up the pieces after…………………..350

Let’s all get out there and burn some calories!!


Corporate Lessons

LESSON NUMBER ONE – – –

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not. " So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

LESSON NUMBER TWO

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven’t got the energy."

"Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They’re packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.


WHO’S IN CHARGE???

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I’m responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an asshole!!!!!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

CommentLuv badge
%d bloggers like this: