November 12, 1999
One thing that drives me absolutely nuts is the fact that most stores insist on putting out Christmas decorations before Halloween has even arrived. People stand around and laugh and say, "Christmas comes earlier every year!", When I hear that, I want to hit them with the stuff you pull from the inside of a pumpkin and say, "No it doesn’t! Christmas comes at the same time every year, December 25th. Check your calendars!" I then eagerly grab up the Halloween candy that’s been put on discount because stores are trying to make people ignore Thanksgiving and start thinking about picking out an aluminum tree. But there is one part of Christmas that I can never start too early, and that’s the shopping. I’m not a big fan of shopping, and I’m the sort of guy who sometimes procrastinates even on things I enjoy, so I always get started later than I’d like. This year, however, I’ve been going through the assorted junk mail and picking out things for those hard-to-buy-for people on my list. Here are a few things I’ve found:
A submarine. I’m not kidding. In two separate catalogs I found a submarine that, for the amazingly economical price of $30,000, will take two people to a maximum depth of 200 feet. A valid scuba license is required. Apparently the designers overlooked the fact that, with the proper safety precautions, a scuba diver can dive to 300 feet, but I guess the submarine is for scuba divers who don’t want to mess up their hair.
A wearable computer. You carry a CPU in a backpack, keep the keyboard in one hand, and wear an eyepiece over your right eye to see the screen. According to the designer, you can check your e-mail while talking to your friends. Actually this isn’t for anyone on my list. Anyone who checks their e-mail while talking to friends soon doesn’t have any friends.
Chewing tobacco. Hey, it’s economical, and, for those friends and relatives of mine who smoke, it’s the perfect solution. Non-smokers complain that smoking is filthy, disgusting, and rude. Besides, there are a lot of places where smoking isn’t allowed. I figure after a few weeks of watching smokers chew and spit, intolerant non-smokers will be begging them to light up. And if not, I can always get them one of those handy wearable computers.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
"Posterior Automotive Safety Bar Adhesive Papyrus Reflectionary Notations"
(…again….and STILL dern funny!)
41. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
40. If you can read this – I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
39. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
38. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
37. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
36. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
35. DON’T PISS ME OFF! I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
34. JESUS SAVES..Then Passes it To Gretzky..He Shoots..He..Scores!
33. Jesus is coming! Look busy!
32. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
31. Save Your Breath … You’ll need it to blow up your date!
30. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
29. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
28. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
27. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
26. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
25. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
24. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
23. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
22. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.
21. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
20. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
19. All men are idiots….I married their king.
18. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
17. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
16. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
15. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
14. Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
13. Hang up and drive.
12. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
11. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
10. Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.
9. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
8. Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
7. We are born naked, wet, and hungry….Then things get worse.
6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
5. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
4. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
3. Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
2. Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.
and the #1 bumper sticker of the week…………..
1. Honk If You Want To See My Finger