It’ll Be Bigger Than…

January 28, 2000

Recently in Singapore a riot started in a shopping mall selling the latest brand of overpriced stuffed toy that adults, desperately clinging to non-existent happy childhoods and gullibly accepting the idea that a stuffed animal will pay for a first-class Hawaiian cruise, will bribe, divorce, and maim each other to get. I really thought this was a passing phenomenon. Now that one type of stuffed toy is no longer being made, I had hoped the rest would become as extinct as many of the animals they resemble. For those people who collected only a small number, reasoning that it was sort of like buying lottery ticket, the fad is diminishing, but there are still a lot of people out there who think stuffed animals are the only way to fill their vacuous, deeply unsatisfying lives.

Since I find it hard to pass up a quick buck, I’ve decided I’ll start producing my own line of stuffed animals. My sewing skills are pretty limited, so I’ll just make little balls of fake fur filled with dirt to keep costs down. I’ll call them Wobocs–that’s WOrthless Balls Of Cloth–and sell them for an absurd price like $10 each. Then every month I’ll send out a newsletter with exaggerated price information "Flemmy, the yellow Woboc, is now worth $16,500!"). You’re probably thinking I’m an idiot, but in case you’re not, just send me $39.95 and I’ll send you a complete information package on how to start your own Woboc production line–right in your very own home! Then we’ll see who’s an idiot.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


OBTAINING AN L.A. DRIVER’S LICENSE

Since driving conditions (and culture)are unique in L.A., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver’s test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER’S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name: ____________________

Stage name: __________________________

Agent’s Name: __________________________

Attorney’s Name: _______________________

Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____

Sex: [ ] male [ ] female
[ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female
[ ] both [ ] neither

If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? 
Yes [ ] No [ ]

Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain:
___________________________

Please list brand of cell phone: 
________________________
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue 
[ ] Skin-head

Men: Please list shade of hair plugs
________________

Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No

If Yes, please explain:

Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that apply):
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine 
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____
b) and how many times you expect to be shot at
while driving ____.

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime;
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV; 
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) [ ] Call your therapist;
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only).

Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] a BMW,
b) [ ] a Lexus,
c) [ ] a Mercedes,
d) [ ] a Cabriolet.

If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time for your driver’s license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) [ ] stop your car
b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best,
c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH,
b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) [ ] you’re not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply.)
a) [ ] Prozac;
b) [ ] Zovirax;
c) [ ] Lithium;
d) [ ] Zanax.
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour;
b) [ ] 2 hours;
c) [ ] 3 hours;
d) [ ] 4 hours or more.
If under 1 hour, please explain:

When stopped by police, should you
a) [ ] pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405, 
c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

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