Look Out Below!

November 10, 2000

The other day I stepped out into a brisk autumn day. (I live in the southeastern United States where, thanks to a combination of our global position and global warming, we continue to get brisk autumn days until Christmas. If I lived in Canada, I’d be writing about brisk autumn days in July.) As I looked at a large pile of leaves that someone had gathered with the intention of bagging them, two thoughts collided in my brain simultaneously. One was, "Cool! A big pile of leaves that I could dive into and spread everywhere!" The other was, "Am I dressed warmly enough?" Rather than cancelling each other out, these two thoughts crystallized as separate entities.

The Leaf-Diver looked wonderingly up at the Dressed-Warmly and said, "Geez, you’re OLD." Me? Old? I’m decades away from being old, although when I say that, I realize that, when I was eight (my prime leaf-diving days) I never thought of myself being as old as I am now. When I was eight anything beyond fifteen was an abstraction. And I laughed at any adult figure who, on brisk autumn days, suggested that I should be dressed like a Himalayan mountain climber. The revelation that I was now beginning to think like people I used to laugh at made me feel, well, old. Growing up and being mature are two different things. I like to think I’m mature, but being "grown up" means being old but not being mature enough to appreciate the simple things that used to give me pleasure.

So…did I dive into the leaves? No, I’m sad to say I’ve outgrown that. I climbed the tree and threw water balloons at people.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


15 SAYINGS WE’D LIKE TO SEE ON OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

  1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

  2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

  3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

  4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

  5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

  6. Plagiarism saves time.

  7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

  8. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.

  9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

  10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

  11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

  12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

  13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

  14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

  15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.


Women’s Bumper Stickers

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

IF THEY DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN’T GOING.

MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

DON’T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN – AND I HAVE A GUN.

GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE…WHO CARES?

NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

AND YOUR POINT IS?

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

I’M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY?

SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I’M NOT.

IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I’M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

DON’T UPSET ME! I’M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

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