February 9, 2001
Norway, which has done more than its fair share in depleting the world’s fish and whale populations, recently became the location for an extraordinary act of aquatic generosity. I’m talking about a blind cod that fishermen had caught forty times. The fishermen thought it was extraordinary that this fish could be caught so regularly, while the cod just wished the fishermen would stop dropping their nets in exactly the same spot. Each time the fishermen threw him back, but the poor cod’s dark glasses, red-tipped cane, and little tin cup finally melted their hard, Scandinavian hearts, and they decided they would eat him. No, actually, they took a break from gutting and decapitating his family, and had him transported in a special tank to an aquarium where he could live the rest of his life in comfort with a halibut named–I’m not making this up–Big Mama. I don’t want to know what they’re doing for Valentine’s Day.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
Just Turned 50
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don’t need to take a laxative.
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You’re getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don’t know till the 4th of July.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget….