All Quiet On The Weeded Front

May 18, 2001

Summer is finally here, unless of course you’re in New Zealand where Winter is finally here. Anyway, in the Northern Hemisphere it’s Summer, which means it’s time for most of us to take up the suburban labor of Sisyphus. I’m talking about mowing, of course. Eventually genetic engineers will develop a breed of grass that will not only stop growing at the ideal height, but will grab and kill everything from small insects to the neighbor’s annoying chihuahua.

I know it has to be done, but I don’t like mowing, and I’m suspicious of anyone who does. People who enjoy mowing must be direct descendents of Genghis Khan, who, with his Mongol horde, drove every living thing ahead of him. Of course now instead of a Mongol horde people do it with an internal combustion engine, which has slightly more horsepower. (On an interesting side-note, Henry Ford’s original use for the internal combustion engine was for mowing his lawn. Then he discovered how much he hated mowing and turned his attention to creating the automobile. This invention not only got him as far away from his overgrown lawn as he could get at 10mph, but it also made him rich enough that he could hire Lee Iacocca to mow his lawn for him. But I digress.)

Like most people I have one neighbor who obsesses about his lawn. Generally I mow about once a week, unless I can find some way to get out of it, but he mows every other day. And sometimes he’s out there sometimes after dark on his riding mower with the headlights on. (These people are the sole reason riding mowers have headlights. I have no idea why the rest of us need them. If you’re going driving at night, wouldn’t it make sense to use something other than a riding lawnmower, unless of course you’re Henry Ford?)

When he’s done flattening most of his half-acre to golf-course perfection, he uses a weed-whacker to take down everything left that’s over half an inch high, and finishes off with a pair of scissors. This guy isn’t Genghis Khan; he’s a descendant of some ruthless ancient emperor who brought civilization and weed- free lawns to his society before exhaustion drove them to extinction. As for me, I’m embracing my inner barbarian. I sneak across the street at night and blow dandelion seeds into his yard. Deep down I believe perfect lawns are unnatural, so I’m spearheading a revolution to save the weeds. Vive le crabgrass! My neighbor regularly fights back with herbicides, garden shears, and he recently bought a flamethrower, but he looks a bit more tired lately. Recently he waited two whole days before mowing again.

My revolution is gaining ground.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


New Twists on Old Sayings

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It has been recently discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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