August 29, 2003
For those of you returning to work,
You can look forward to the ultimate perk,
For while the stress of vacation is fleeting
You’ll add years to your life with each meeting.
Meetings are the chance to catch up on your bills,
Paying off Disney’s not-so-cheap thrills.
Even if they run excessively long
A meeting beats six consecutive hours of mah jong,
And it divides workday problems like light through a prism;
You can even give presentations while practicing somnambulism.
Or you can stand up, take control, dazzle colleagues with your
Pretend you know the meaning of words like proactive, confluence,
You can show off colorful pie-graphs and flow charts
That demonstrate the need for company go-karts,
Suggest the executives cut their benefits to make affordable
employee health plans,
And cite examples of good management from the Phoenicians,
Cappadocians, and Romans.
You can table a motion to have the kitchen’s antique icebox and
microwave removed to make room
For pinball, pool tables, and milkshake dispensers in the company
You can make suggestions until your boss screams, "Enough! These
are good ideas and they’re all worth repeating,
So I move we discuss them at the next meeting."
Meetings put an end to innovations before they’re even begun;
They’re the only way to accomplish so much without getting
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and it will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The real trick is to stop laughing. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" Well you were wrong.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.