Paying Through The Nose

August 15, 2003

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about that incredibly sensitive organ we all love but don’t think about much, unless we get punched there, or get a hair ripped out of it. If you don’t know by now that I’m talking about the nose, you have a dirty mind. And you don’t read the subject lines of your messages. And that other organ is probably something you think about all the time, especially if you’re a guy.

I’ve been thinking about my nose a lot because I have a summer cold. A summer cold is different from a winter cold in the way that a business renting office space is different from a group of vacationers renting a beach house. A winter cold comes in and takes over. It changes the carpeting, has the bathrooms repainted, knocks down walls, and adds its name to the directory in the lobby. A summer cold tracks in a lot of sand, spends a lot of time drinking in the kitchen, uses up all the hot water at least twice a day, but clears out in a couple of weeks leaving things pretty much the same so it can get its deposit back. All this raises an interesting question: If a winter cold is called a cold because it’s cold out, should a summer cold be called a "heat"?

But I digress. Of course it goes without saying guys don’t think much about their noses, unless of course you happen to be Jimmy Durante, but not even women think about their noses all that much. Women put on eyeshadow and mascara, they on lipstick, and they even put on rouge, especially if they’re planning to sing "Lady Marmalade", but very rarely when a woman says she’s going to go powder her nose does she mean she’s going to, well, powder her nose.

Despite this lack of attention, though the nose is probably the most loved organ. Think about it: you follow your nose, get led by the nose, and if you’re nosy you stick your nose in other people’s business. You can go nose to nose with someone, and put your nose to the grindstone. If you’re right you’re on the nose. Perfume makers are called "noses". If you’re Jerry Falwell you spend most of your time looking down your nose at other people, which is an extremely bad habit, especially when you’re no better than anybody else. Or you walk around with your nose stuck so high in the air you’d drown if it rained. Having a nose that runs is better than having feet that smell. Where will all this end? No one…nose.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


The Final Word

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, British or Canadians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, British or Canadians.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, British or Canadians.

4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, British or Canadians.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, British or Canadians.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of pirogues, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, British or Canadians.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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