Fork ‘Em Over

November 28, 2003

Traditionally the day after Thanksgiving in the United States is a day of shopping for Christmas gifts, so in honor of the occasion, here’s my annual list of Things No One In Their Right Mind Really Wants. Of course words like "right", "want", "mind" and "things" are very broadly open to interpretation, so if any of the items listed here are things you really would like to get, let me know and I’ll pass along the ordering information. Yes, these are all real items, I’m not making them up. And in honor of the recovering economy, all the items are less than US$40 each, so you can afford the whole list…if you really "want" it.

HOW TO GET ON EVERYONE’S DO NOT CALL LIST
The zany sound effects phone ($36.98) includes belches, screams, breaking glass, dogs barking, farts, and the most hilarious sound effect of them all, machine gun fire. Pretend you’re an embedded reporter, give your grandmother a heart attack, or just make sure no one will ever call you again. Next year’s model will include the sound of a phone ringing–to remind you what it sounds like.

APPETIZING DECOR
Nothing adds class and ambience to a candlelight dinner or big dinner party like farting salt and pepper shakers ($11.98). Shaped like human buttocks, these items are guaranteed to make you only slightly less popular than Aunt Bethesda’s candied brussels sprouts.

PURELY (AND TASTELESSLY) SEASONAL
The dog poop ornament ($6.98, two or more $6.39 each), light brown and sprinkled with glitter, is exactly the sort of thing you want hanging on your Christmas tree next to the sugar plum and gingerbread man ornaments. And Santa will be thrilled he didn’t step in it.

GUARANTEED TO GET YOU ARRESTED
The hand-grenade belt buckle ($7.98) is just the thing to turn heads and start conversations with security guards, police, and FBI agents. Featured on "Militiaman’s Eye For The Straight Guy", it’s the one gift I recommend you don’t take anywhere near your local airport.

SHOCK VALUE
Remember when you werea kid and liked to lick your fingers and stick them in light sockets? Maybe that was just me, but if you want to experience the joys of electric shocks, or if you really like inflicting pain on fellow human beings, there’s a wide variety of products available:

Shocking calculator ($12.98)-a hilarious gift for the accountant in your family. Much more fun and timely than the now-discontinued shocking slide-rule.

Shocking book ($12.98)-a hilarious gift for the reader in your family. Also a useful instructional tool on the dangers of reading.

Shocking TV remote control ($9.98)-a hilarious gift for the remote-control hog in your family. Tired of not having any control over what’s on any of the six television sets in your home? Do you really, really, really want to watch that "My Mother the Car" marathon? Well, just slip this remote-control in where the real one normally rests, and watch the sparks fly–literally!

Note: according to the catalog all shock items are not for children or anyone with a medical condition other than complete stupidity.

GET A PIECE OF THE ROCK
Have you ever, in a moment of intense romantic feeling, or alcohol-induced confidence, promised someone the moon? Chances are the farting salt and pepper shakers aren’t what that person had in mind, but even if you can’t give them the whole moon you can at least present them with one acre of it. Yes, you can purchase a piece of the moon ($29.98) According to the catalog, you can be just like the pioneers…except you won’t be able to settle the land or set foot on it, at least not yet. Maybe someday you’ll be able to visit that lovely land where the solar radiation comes sweepin’ down the plain. And there’s simply no better way to start and finish a conversation than by pointing up at a lovely, bright, full moon and saying, "I own that."

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