Downsizing

May 14, 2004

I heard on the news recently that anorexia and bulimia are on the rise…among men. Hearing news like that, I can only say one thing: Way to go, guys! Referring to women as "the weaker sex" went out with terms like "chick" and "dame", and certainly no guy would call women "weak", unless he wants his head bashed in by some broad. Actually using expressions like "the weaker sex" is the best way to avoid getting any.

But I digress. I realize bulimia and anorexia are serious diseases, and they were bad enough when they were almost exclusively suffered by women. And admittedly it’s not a bad thing that some guys are taking pride in their appearance. Unfortunately, as we guys are all too prone to do, they’re taking it too far. I blame men’s magazines for this. For years men’s magazines and women’s magazines had one thing in common: both had front covers with sexy female models wearing outfits that, in the 1920’s, would have gotten them arrested. The only difference was that men’s magazines were kept behind the counter while women’s magazines were prominently displayed in the grocery store right next to the candy where they screamed at women, "Make the perfect cake! Just don’t eat any of it if you want to look like this [liposuctioned, airbrushed, digitally altered] model!"

Now men’s magazines have shirtless guys on their covers who, frankly, make me uncomfortable. I’m not a woman, although I’m often mistaken for one, but having to see those magazines next to the candy bars every time I’m standing in line in the grocery store I understand how women have felt for years. I think to myself, "Oh, nobody has pecs like that. I’ll bet those are implants." And yet at the same time this other side of my brain says, "Maybe if I cut down on the butterscotch pudding and beer and spent all my free time doing nothing but working out at a gym and got my teeth airbrushed I would feel secure enough to wear a tank top." But with men suffering from anorexia and bulimia I’m not sure I want to join a gym. As I said, guys always take things too far. They also brag about it. I could imagine guys in the locker room saying things like, "I’ve gone a week on nothing but aspirin and eight ounces of grapefruit juice!" while another says, "Oh yeah? I threw up twelve times yesterday!"

But there just might be a positive side to the problem. If guys start treating anorexia and bulimia as a fundamental part of their machismo might be the one thing women need to overcome these diseases.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side.

He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.

"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.