Yes, I Have Lost My Mind

March 8, 2013

Yogurt has an image problem. Specifically almost all yogurt advertising is currently aimed only at women, promoting the idea that only women eat yogurt. Now at least one company is trying to change that and is working on yogurt specifically for men. I’ve eaten quite a bit of yogurt myself, or at least I did before I learned I had the wrong chromosome for it. I never realized that, as a man, I shouldn’t be eating yogurt even though all the commercials for yogurt feature women sitting out in sunny fields or going shopping for clothes while enjoying their yogurt. When they do include men it’s either a dimwitted pasty guy with a bad combover and a beer gut spilling out of his t-shirt who prevents women from enjoying their yogurt or a dimwitted hunk whose radiant presence helps women enjoy their yogurt. Either way it’s all about women enjoying yogurt and the men not having any.

Now I feel like such an idiot for eating yogurt that’s wrong for my gender. I can’t even eat the yogurt that’s made for kids, which seems to be gender-neutral, because I’m an adult, and a pasty-faced one with a bad combover and a beer gut spilling out of my t-shirt at that. Now I can’t eat yogurt until they give me a commercial with a guy driving a Hummer down a football field punching a shark with one hand while eating yogurt with the other. But just making yogurt commercials featuring guys doing manly things like building tanks out of yogurt or jumping off the roof of a house into an empty yogurt container won’t be enough. They need to redesign yogurt packaging as well to make it more manly. Most yogurt comes in containers that are an unmanly shade of white and that have pictures of fruit on them. What self-respecting man would eat anything out of such a container? Men need yogurt that comes in a black container, preferably with a design that looks like claw marks across it, because we men need to feel that the yogurt we’re eating is dangerous. Other acceptable colors are blood red and aubergine, even though no self-respecting man knows what aubergine is. Camouflage would also be a good color.

I’ve also seen yogurt containers with pictures of cows on them, and those have got to go too. Even though cows produce the milk which is made into yogurt they’re females—that is, they’re women. That’s a little too close for us men. In fact it would be better if they could find a way to get milk from bulls, but I think that’s going to be a harder sell. And also some brands of yogurt have pink lids that show their support for breast cancer. Personally I don’t think we should be supporting breast cancer—we should be doing everything possible to get rid of it—but for manly yogurt they should replace those with brown lids showing support for prostate cancer. And let’s stop saying yogurt helps your digestion. That’s not what men want to hear. What we want to hear is “This yogurt will turn your ass into a rocket launcher.” Now that’s manly! And they need to do something about the flavors too. Currently yogurt comes in unmanly fruit flavors, or other equally unmanly flavors like cappuccino, red velvet cake, and lemon chiffon, which is not only unmanly but wrinkles so easily. A lot of brands of yogurt have fruit on the bottom. They should replace that with bacon on the bottom. Bacon is a truly manly food, which is why we men eat it eight or nine times a day, and that’s also why we men could probably use some yogurt in our diets. Except the bacon shouldn’t be on the bottom. Even when I thought I enjoyed yogurt I didn’t like the fruit on the bottom because you have to mix it up yourself, and that’s too much like cooking. Truly manly men never cook, unless it’s over an open flame, and if you’ve ever tried grilling yogurt you know it doesn’t work too well. Other manly flavors could include pizza, beer, pretzels, hot wings, fried candy bars, curly fries, chili, and sweat. A very popular flavor would be steak and baked potato, which would be great for Greek yogurt which is basically just sour cream anyway. This has me so excited I can’t wait to get my hands on some of this manly yogurt, and I also hope they start redesigning other things that have been exclusively for women for men as well. For instance, why should only women enjoy tampons? I think we men should be able to enjoy those too, but to make them manly they should be made of steel, and maybe have some spikes attached. The claw marks will be an added bonus.

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