They Have My Number

August 30, 2013

[Phone rings.]

Hello?

…

No, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.

…

No, there’s no Xenia here.

No, this isn’t 873…look, you don’t even have the right area code. I’m not sure you even have the right state. Why are you even asking? You dialed the wrong number. How is knowing what you misdialed going to help you? That’s like the stupid cliché in sitcoms that people always repeat back what the person on the other end of the phone has just said so the audience can follow along. Who really does that?

…

No, I don’t even know anyone named Xenia, and even if I did it wouldn’t do you any good. What are the chances that you and I know the same Xenia?

…

Yeah, you’re right, it’s not a very common name, but, look, you called the wrong number, and the Xenia you’re trying to reach is probably in another state.

…

Look, I can see from my phone that you’ve called the past five days. Didn’t you realize you had the wrong number when you heard my voice mail message?

…

Party line? This is a cell phone. Party lines went out with candlestick phones. Where are you calling from, the Thirties? Why don’t you call Sarah and ask her to connect you to Mount Pilot?

…

Interesting. I didn’t know it was based on Andy Griffith’s home town of Mount Airy.

…

No, I don’t have any succotash.

…

I’m positive.

…

All right. Yes, I’m looking. That creaking sound was the door of my pantry. No, no succotash. I don’t even know what it is. Why are you even asking?

…

Well I’m happy you have a great recipe for it. If I had some I’d probably know what to do with it too.

…

Yes, but I’m not much of an impulse buyer. I don’t think I’ve even seen it.

…

Okay, maybe I have, but I don’t remember it.

…

No, please, I really don’t want to hear about your colon. Look, I’m not a doctor, so how would I know if it’s enflamed?

…

No, no, no, I really don’t want to see a picture of it.

…

Really? You took it yourself? That’s, um, impressive. I’m sort of curious to know how you did that.

…

Stop! That wasn’t really an invitation. I mean, I’m a curious kind of guy, but there are some things I’m happier not knowing. Although I’m pretty sure I know now that your colon is enflamed. And why.

…

Well, that’s good. Yeah, listen, I need to let you go.

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Yeah, I’ve got some things I’ve got to get to.

…

Yeah, it was nice talking to you too.

…

Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

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