May 2, 2014
A Brief History of Drinking:
Cut me off a hunk of beer.
Im on my lunch break from building a temple, so just give me a flagon of wine and water, with some lead sprinkled in it.
Im about to go into battle, so bring me a flagon of wine!
Im about to go pillaging, so bring me a flagon of mead!
Im on a lunch break from building a cathedral, so just give me a quart of ale.
A sherry, please, followed by a witty bon mot.
Prohibition (United States only):
Nice place youve got here. It would be a shame if something happened to it.
Prohibition (everywhere else):
Ill have a gin.
Ill have a whiskey.
Im on my lunch break from rebuilding the cathedral, so Ill just have a pint of ale.
Rye and a cigar.
I quit drinking, so just bring me a beer.
Gin and tonic.
Scotch and soda.
Im on my lunch break from the advertising agency, so Ill just have a couple of martinis.
Martini. And put one of those paper umbrellas in it.
Red red wine.
Ill have a Fuzzy Navel.
Ill have a Slippery Nipple.
Ill have a Sex On The Beach.
Ill have a Blowjob In The Back of An El Camino.
Ill have a Sweaty Nutsack. (Local version: espresso, Kahlua, Malibu rum, topped with whipped cream dusted with salt. Served with half a banana.)
On Spring Break:
Jell-o shots and a navel to suck em out of! Whoo!
Summer in Florida:
Summer in Wisconsin:
Strawberry daiquiri from a premade mix.
Margarita from a can.
Reconstituted freeze-dried pina colada.
Upscale downtown bar:
Ill have two fingers of single malt scotch, with a tablespoon of mineral water to open up the flavor.
A Cosmopolitan made with Blue Ash Limited Edition Excel Vodka, with the garnish made from a free-range, fair trade lemon.
A Manhattan, but only if you have Pereline bitters.
Id like to see your list of high gravity local microbrews.
Absinthe is legal now? Bring me a trough of that!
Chain Italian restaurant:
What have you got in a Pinot Grigio under $10?
Ill try this pumpkin cinnamon double bock pale ale originally made by a microbrewery now owned by a multi-national conglomerate.
Im on my lunch break backing up the server, so keep the coffee coming..
In your eighties:
What is this? Tapioca? I asked for a rye and a cigar!
Im on my lunch break from the clone farm, so Ill just have a beer, and give my Arcturan friend here a distillate of benzene chromate, with a supplemental infusion of pure ammonia. Shaken, not stirred.