May 30, 2014
So the rest of the staff has been pretty mad at me since the wedding. They were before they took off, anyway. At least Snow White kept them around long enough to take care of the wedding and the party afterward, but, you know, Prince Charming already has his own staff, and theres not enough money to support two of everybody, so she just let everybody go. I thought theyd be glad after the mess of the party. Oh, you havent heard? Im surprised you werent invited. You made the whole thing possible.
Well, let me start at the beginning, or at least what I know happened. It started when the Queen got this funny idea that Snow White was more beautiful than she was. The old Queen always did have funny ideas, maybe from talking to herself all the time. Id go to see her and while I was waiting in the antechamber Id hear her chatting away like she was really talking to someone, and then when I was allowed in it would just be her and that big mirror she always had with her. She asked me if I thought Snow White was more beautiful than her. I said beautys in the eye of the beholder, but that didnt sit too well with her. I guess I never knew before that she was seriously crazy until she told me to take Snow White out riding and kill her. I really didnt want to, but you know how the job market is right now. I didnt want to do it, but I couldnt exactly refuse either.
So that afternoon I took Snow White out riding in the forest. Thats not unusual. We did it all the time. And she didnt see anything strange about me bringing my crossbow and having it cocked and ready. Thats not unusual either. I always carried it. I never needed it, but the woods can be dangerous. Id taught Snow White that since she was little, when I taught her wood lore. There she was riding right in front of me with her back to me. We would go on pretty long rides and explore most of the woods, so she didnt think it was strange when I started giving her directions. I was leading her to a place shed never been before. Its a place we hunters try to avoid anyway, up the mountain, through mist, then into a glen filled with rushes. Ive heard stories about strange voices singing there. Oh, you know about that? Really? Okay, mystery solved. I didnt like taking her there, but I thought I was doing my duty since I thought I was as good as killing her by leaving her. I told her too. She had a right to know what the Queen had ordered me to do. She freaked out. No surprise, I guess. I made sure she knew I couldnt do exactly as Id been told. I gave her the food and water Id brought. She hadnt noticed Id brought extra. I told her to run. I told her shed be fine. I didnt believe it, and maybe she didnt either, but the Queen scared both of us. I tore a piece of her dress away, then I took our horses. I didnt look back. I didnt see which way she went.
On the way back to the castle I found a deer. This is how good a hunter I am. I got to within ten paces of it and fired a shot right through the neck. The blood trail was short. I cut it in pieces. I wrapped the heart in the piece of Snow Whites dress and buried the rest. I hated to waste the meat, but I couldnt risk anyone finding the evidence. It was late, after dark, before I got back. The Queen thought Id been so long because I couldnt do it. Half right, I guess. Then she laughed and called me sentimental. Then she sent the heart to the kitchen. Later she told me how good it had been. Said it tasted like venison. Things were quiet after that, for a couple of weeks at least. Then one day I heard her screaming in her bedroom. Well, you know, Snow White was still alive. How she found out I dont know. I cleared out. I hid out in the forest, but Id sneak up to the castle at night and talk to one of the cooks. I heard that the Queen got really bizarre then. She put ashes in her hair to make it gray, and used something to make her face all wrinkly. They saw her headed to the orchard, and then she disappeared until the next day. She looked normal again. And things got quiet again. The cook even said I might be able to get my job back. I even thought about asking, until it all went down.
Snow White showed up with Prince Charming. The Queen, I heard, wasnt happy, but she pretended to be happy. She offered to let them use the castle for the wedding, and did all the planning and was matron of honor and everything. Then there was the reception. I know everybodyd been drinking, but everybody says the same thing. It was late, and the fire had been going, and Snow White pulled out these red hot iron shoes and made the Queen dance in them until she was dead. I know theyve tried to spin it that she fell off a cliff, but the real story is that they made her dance in those shoes and then threw the body over a cliff. It must have been a hell of a party. Snow White offered me a job in Prince Charmings castle, but I really didnt want to work for her after that. I mean, would you? I always thought she was the nice one. Anyway, I did hear what she did for you, and thats why Ive worked out this whole new business model. What Im offering is all free range, organic, locally sourced meats. The best in the kingdom. Its a small operation. We get it, dress it, butcher it, and deliver it right to your door. Game, fish, fowl, you name it. Were starting as a coop, but if I can get any of the old gang to speak to me Id like to start doing custom work. You guys, all seven of you, youre all professional miners, right? You dont have a lot of time to do your own shopping. Let me take care of it for you. We might even be offering prepared meals. We may even branch out into housecleaning. So, can I sign you up?