Where’s The Sauerkraut?

AF: Good afternoon. I’m Alan Freed and thank you for tuning in to WKGR, the Grocery Radio. Here are this hour’s headlines. A short in the freezer section has caused the freezer containing ice cream and novelties to stop working. A repair crew is expected shortly. In the Gourmet Items section of Aisle 4 a small child dropped a bottle of kumquat syrup on the floor. A cleanup crew is currently on the scene. T-bone steaks are on sale this week for $4.99 a pound, and this week’s circular includes several valuable coupons including one for fifty cents off all JJ brand cereals. I’m going to turn things over now to Robert Weston Smith, our eye on the aisles, for a traffic update.

RWS: Thanks Alan. We’ve got things moving along smoothly on the back wall from Produce to Poultry, with a little bit of a delay over by the dairy cases. There was a brief altercation between a couple of women over blocking the case that holds the artificial creamers, but it’s resolved itself without too much trouble. Looks like the milk is being restocked and that’s slowing things down. Over in Aisle 4 the kumquat syrup cleanup is going ahead but it’s causing some rubbernecking, so that’s slowing down traffic a little bit there too. There are also volume delays in Aisle 14 where the bread is, and Aisle 15 from the shampoo to the diapers. The maintenance crew has also just arrived at the freezer, and that’s starting to slow traffic from the frozen waffles all the way to the fish.

AF: Thanks for that update Robert. Now over to John Peel for the weather.

JP: Thank you Alan. The misters are on over in produce, so if you’re picking up cucumbers be sure to bring an umbrella. I’m just kidding. They’ll shut off in a minute. Things are cool and dry in the rest of the store, but a warm front is coming from the bakery where they’ve just brought out some fresh bread. And over in that freezer section Robert mentioned things are heating up, so now would be a good time to get ice cream. Back to you Alan.

AF: Thanks for the weather report John. Here’s some late breaking news: Butterchurn butter is now two for a dollar, and there’s a new brand of pecan sandies available in the cookie aisle. Coming up: three continuous hours of instrumental top 40 hits. Somebody please kill me now.

sourkraut

12 Comments

  1. Ann Koplow

    Thanks for that post, Christopher. I’m still looking for the sauerkraut.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Try Aisle 4. The Doctor in question did change his name when he moved to the United States, which causes some confusion.

      Reply
  2. kdcol

    I thought it was so funny when I heard Pink Floyd’s The Wall “elevator” style for the first time, but then I felt old. Interesting how one generation’s “rebellious” songs become the easy-listening / contemporary adult radio songs of tomorrow.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      It’s funny, but it also makes me feel old. I overhear something and think, “Where do I know that tune from? Oh yeah. High school.

      Reply
  3. PinkNoam

    I’m gonna go for ‘ways to entertain yourself when being dragged unwillingly around a supermarket’ ?…

    Reply
    1. Gina

      Jamie– see my comment below for one way to entertain yourself…

      Reply
  4. Gina

    But wait, there’s breaking news:

    “Police had to be called when a man was found, for lack of a better word, ‘pleasuring himself’ in the magazine section. There is no word on what magazine was being used but sources say it may have been the swimsuit issue of ‘Sports Illustrated’. Wait– I’m getting confirmation that it was actually an issue of ‘Readers Digest’. Police are taking the suspect to University Hospital for a psych evaluation. No charges have been filed at this time.”

    I swear to God, this is something that really did happen when I was a cashier at Kroger. I didn’t happen on my shift (dammit!) but I heard all about it once I got to work. To this day I wonder what magazine could have been so titillating.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Are you really unhappy that you missed the incident in question? Sometimes it’s better not to have been there.

      Reply
  5. Jay

    Ha, nice.

    Reply
  6. Spoken Like A True Nut

    We had a guy drop trou at my store when I was a cashier, but that was only after he got caught trying to shoplift a large salami in his pants.

    Two large salamis, actually.

    Don’t look at me like that. It’s exactly what it sounds like.

    Reply
    1. Spoken Like A True Nut

      This was meant as a reply to Gina above, but it’s probably actually funnier out of context, so I stand by my reply fail.

      Reply
    2. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I understand: sometimes a salami is just a salami.

      Reply

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