Halloween Watching

THROWINGEGGSThe World’s Ten Worst Horror Films—as compiled by the critics at the film review site Throwing Eggs.

Arbor Day

Unrated. Brief violence and a mild sequence involving a diaper.

A babysitter is terrified by an axe-wielding stranger in a hockey mask arriving at the back door of a house where she’s taking care of small children. Over the course of seventy somewhat harrowing minutes she finds the stranger at every window and every door as she waits for the police to respond.

The figure finally enters the basement and is revealed to be the homeowner, a local professional hockey player taking part in a promotional tree-cutting competition. He left the house without his keys.

A Tisket, A Tasket

Rated PG. Alcohol use, language, evil twin.

A man carries his hideously deformed twin brother in a basket through the seedy streets of New York. Together they write a bestselling series of romance novels.

Sleepaway Camp

Rated R. Disturbingly realistic adult awkwardness.

Two teenage camp counselors lose their virginity to each other. Ten years later the counselors return to the camp for its grand reopening. They reminisce about the tragic drowning of one of the young campers rather than talk about how uncomfortable and awkward their first sexual encounter was.

Caller ID

Unrated. Mildly disturbing popcorn consumption, binge watching of prime time TV dramas.

In this example of the found-footage genre a woman decides to test her new video camera by filming herself home alone. Over the course of the evening she receives a series of mysterious phone calls. Growing increasingly concerned, especially as the phone calls grow more frequent. She finally checks the caller ID and discovers she’s been butt-dialing herself the entire time.

DVD Bonus features include low audio of the three hours of “Scandal” she binge watches and twenty minutes of handheld video of a fourth-grade Thanksgiving pageant.

Slaughterhouse

Unrated. Heightened expectations, failure to make use of premise.

Five young people are driving through a remote part of Nebraska when their van runs out of gas near what they believe is an abandoned slaughterhouse. They decide to investigate and meet a mysterious one-eyed man who lives there. He siphons gas from an old generator and warns them “Don’t take any wooden nickels” before they resume their drive.

Needles

Rated PG-13. Contains sequences of interest only to pre-teens.

Three people are abducted by a mask-wearing figure who only appears to them on a television screen and speaks in a computer synthesized voice. He keeps them prisoner until they can successfully do that trick where you stick needles in your fingers without actually breaking the skin.

Abduction

Unrated. Ratings board didn’t want to bother.

A couple spending a weekend in a cabin in the woods are abducted by strange alien creatures. The creatures keep the couple in cages, strap them to tables, and perform a series of experiments with strange devices before returning the couple to the cabin with profuse apologies and the explanation that the aliens could have sworn this was Neptune.

Pizza Face

Rated PG. Contains graphic scenes of acne medication failing to work.

A teenage boy with a horrible case of acne is dubbed “Pizza Face” and ostracized by his classmates. Forced to spend all his time alone he stays in the back of an old gas station doing odd jobs and quietly plotting. Years later he extracts his revenge on the children of his former classmates by opening the first ever fast food place to offer free drink refills.

Board Game

Unrated. Ratings board unwilling to finish watching.

Four teenage boys–Allen, Jeff, Michael, and Fred—use a Ouija board to summon the spirit of their friend David who was tragically killed a year earlier in a joyriding accident. Wracked with guilt and horrified when the ghostly form of David materializes before them everyone is made incredibly uncomfortable when Fred asks if ghosts can go in the girls’ locker room.

Previously: This movie has everything!

9 Comments

  1. Gina W.

    I don’t know what it says about me but I would legitimately watch some of these movies. Especially “A Tisket, A Tasket” and “Sleepaway Camp”. I’d pretty much watch anything that involves an evil-twin in a basket; same for adult awkwardness. I’ll have to pass on “Abduction” because Holy Shit!, that is like my worst nightmare put on film. Even if the aliens did apologize, it’s still like, “not cool guys”.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      If “A Tisket, A Tasket” sounds appealing to you then you really should* check out the movie Basket Case about a nice young man who carries his hideously deformed Siamese twin brother in a basket. They were both traumatized by being separated and commit a series of gruesome murders, killing all those involved in the surgery, and also at least one hooker.

      *Not really.

      Reply
  2. kdcol

    I’m pretty sure I’ve caught some of these on Lifetime on lazy afternoons. Which one starred Tori Spelling?

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      All of them. You just can’t get away from her.

      Reply
  3. Ann Koplow

    I think you should have your own cable TV channel, Chris, How can we make that happen by next Halloween?

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      There’s always cable public access. Now I just need to find enough actors and crew to put these films together. Are you volunteering?

      Reply
      1. Ann Koplow

        I’m not volunteering for anything else these days. But when you have a plan in place, let me know.

        Reply
  4. Sandra

    So on top of being a world celebrated novelist, we now all expect you to become a movie writer, producer, and director. We anxiously await.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      At one time I did want to be Stanley Kubrick–but not quite as much of a jerk. I’ve written and even directed–and even acted in a low-budget film written, directed, and produced by someone else–so I have some idea how huge each of those jobs is. I’d have to quit my day job and I’m not quite ready for that yet.

      Reply

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