This is some party, isn’t it? The Thorns really don’t spare any expense. I’ve been to some of the other events they’ve put on and they always go big, but this is pretty huge even for them. I guess since the kid’s adopted they want to make a big deal out of his first birthday. They’re trying to make him feel welcome and all. I wonder if he’ll even notice it or remember any of it.
I noticed that weird birthmark too! It’s kind of hard to miss. Maybe that’s why Mrs. Thorn keeps putting his little cap back on. Isn’t that cute? You’re right, it does look kind of like a cluster of 9’s. At least it did earlier. Maybe it’ll change as he gets older. His hair will cover it up anyway. You want to hear something weird? That priest thought it looked like something completely different. You know, the priest who was harassing the family a while back. He kept saying it looked like the Roman numerals DCLXVI. He said that even stood for something from Revelations. What a crackpot. That was right before he was killed in that freak accident when a gargoyle fell off his church right on top of him.
Is it just me or do a lot of crazy accidents seem to happen around this kid? No, really, I mean it. Did you hear about his pediatrician? Oh, this is too weird. His pediatrician said the kid had jackal blood. I know, right? I didn’t even know they tested for that sort of thing. I asked my kid’s pediatrician and she thought I was insane. I guess doctors all have different opinions. Anyway right after the pediatrician said that he was killed in that freak elevator accident. The investigators said it was really a million to one chance something like that would happen. Well, I guess that was the millionth chance. Maybe it’s not that weird. People win the lottery too every day, right? I guess it was just bad luck.
The accident the maid had isn’t nearly as weird. I know she yelled at him the same day it happened but what was she thinking? Who in their right mind cleans a chandelier from the second floor landing on a rickety old ladder? Really. It’s like she was just asking for a fall. Lucky for the Thorns that new maid was available to start right away. Well Mr. Thorn said it was lucky. Between you and me Mrs. Thorn—you know, Rosemary—she doesn’t like the new nanny one bit. She especially doesn’t like that big dog that came with her, but the dog is very protective of the kid. I told her they should consider obedience classes. She said she’ll look into that but it’s like the dog is very well trained already and will do anything the kid or the nanny wants. I guess that’s a good thing.
There really is something weird about him. The kid, I mean. Have you noticed he never cries? He just seems, I don’t know, really intense. And what’s the deal with the choir that follows him around? It seems like they always start chanting right when somebody’s about to die. The priest, the pediatrician, the maid, that private investigator who was looking into the orphanage, the photographer who said there were strange shadows in the pictures, the kooky archaeologist with the daggers, the nurse that drew his blood, the cousin who was afraid of the kid. I’m not saying the choir had anything to do with all those deaths. I mean, those were all accidents, right? There goes the choir starting up again.
Have you noticed the kid’s been staring at us this whole time?
OK, I need to know if you are going to be writing horror themed stuff all month, because I may have to take a break from your blog. You’re scaring the shit out of me! I can’t read (or watch) horror. I have an overactive imagination. This post will lodge itself in my brain and then I’ll have weird dreams this weekend. Or nightmares rather. (OK, this comment is half-joking but also half-true. Sadly)
Now I feel really guilty. No joking. I know not everyone shares my dark sense of humor–whenever I tell a Hindenburg joke I always add “Too soon?”–but I really didn’t think this would be scary at all. It was intended to be a funny take on the “Omen” movies. I hope you don’t have nightmares because of this. I’ve got some things coming up that, I hope, are much lighter and funnier in tone. I’ve been trying to go for a Halloween theme for the whole month, but I plan to cover the whole spectrum from the scary stuff to Boo Berry cereal, which may or may not be scary depending on how you feel about a breakfast that’s mostly made of substances that don’t exist in nature.
I was going to ask the same thing as Gina. What’s up with all of the creepy stuff? Bring out the armadillos!
I’ve been staying up too late for the past few months. I notice you usually post pretty late yourself (and I’m in EST). Often your posts are the last thing I read before I go to sleep. While you’re very good at this genre, it’s probably not something I should read before drifting off into dreamland. So do tell us. Is this your theme for October?
It is a theme I had planned for October, and I write most posts in advance and schedule them to appear at midnight, Central time, which, now that I think about it, is frighteningly appropriate for Halloween-themed material but frighteningly inappropriate for anyone who stays up late reading them.
I love Halloween and get a kick out of some scary things, but I also love the feeling that this is a time of year the pagans celebrated, a time of passing but also a time to celebrate the harvest. I’ll try to do a better job of balancing the dark and the light.
A balance would be nice. Look at your recent posts: “Maybe It’s an Omen;” “This is a Horror Film;” “This is not a Horror Film;” “This is Why I Shouldn’t be Allowed to Text” (in which it’s rumored you’re a werewolf); “Let’s Do the Bus Stop Again” (A reference to Rocky Horror). If someone were looking at your blog for the first time they’d think you were a horror writer.
But you’re right—’tis the season. Maybe I’ll just not read your posts after 1:00 a.m. when I should be sleeping anyway. And only this Omen one actually spooked me.
P.S. It was aardvarks not armadillos that make you laugh, right? Sorry about that.
That’s a good point–a stranger who just landed here might think I’m all horror all the time, not to mention probably being seriously prejudiced against the lycanthrope community. If they stick around they might be thrown when in November I start making jokes about turkey stuffing and Lincoln’s last words being “I need that like I need a hole in the head.” (Too soon?)
Although in the coming week I will be lightening up. One of my favorite movies for this time of year is Young Frankenstein. It’s my goal to be a little more Mel Brooks and a little less James Whale.
Oh, and it’s aardvarks, but armadillos are hilarious too, as long as they’re not digging up foundations or giving people leprosy. They are cute little critters. And even if they didn’t have funny faces and adorable ears the true facts about the armadillo are pretty funny.
I don’t know anyone who is more excited for Halloween than you are.
Love your writing, as I’ve mentioned before. I begin reading and question whether it will be my “thing,” and then I’m entranced in every word. You’re gifted my friend. Just stay away from creepy kids with birth marks covering their foreheads, k?
I can’t tell you how much that means to me that you get entranced by my writing. And with twenty-one days left in the month staying away from creepy kids may be harder than it sounds.
I think it is just you. Have you noticed I’m staring at you, too, with admiration for your writing?
I really appreciate that. The joy I get that from your admiration more than offsets the fear.
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