You Have The Wrong Department.

giantMay 11th

Dear Chris,

I’m reaching out to you with this exciting new opportunity offered by Silverplate. I’m sure you’ll want to know more about it when you learn that Silverplate can increase your company’s productivity by as much as 23%. It’s really exciting. Click the link below or hit reply to learn more.

Sincerely,

Kevin Dohmase

May 13th

Dear Chris,

I know you’re busy and that’s why I thought I’d be proactive and remind you about Silverplate. It works with your schedule. That’s why you need to click the link below or just hit reply. I know you’re excited about this! I am too! Silverplate can increase your productivity by 38% or more, but you need to get back to me soon.

Sincerely,

Kevin Dohmase

May 17th

Dear Chris,

You and I both know how easy it is for things to get lost. I bet your inbox is just as cluttered as mine. But that’s why you need Silverplate.  It can cut down on what you don’t need by as much as 17% or more. Click the link or just hit reply. You can’t wait anymore on this!

Respectfully,

Kevin Dohmase

May 19th

Dear Chris,

I don’t know why you haven’t gotten back to me. It’s been a rough week, right? Well that’s why you need Silverplate. We both know it’ll increase your productivity and you can grow profits by 22% or more. Just hit reply or click the link below. It’s that easy to get started. Let’s talk soon!

Kindly,

Kevin Dohmase

May 21st

Dear Chris,

I’m going to be in your area this week and I’m willing to give you 100% of my attention if you’ll schedule a time to meet with me and talk about Silverplate and all it can do for you and your company. I think you’ll be amazed how it can assist with hiring, managing, collating, associating, generation, leveraging, synergizing, and innovating. Hit reply or click the link to set up a time that works for you.

Excitedly,

Kevin Dohmase

May 25th

Dear Chris,

You’ve been in a serious accident, haven’t you? That’s why you haven’t gotten back to me. I hate to think of you suffering. That’s why I’m here to help—with Silverplate! It can help you solve crises 12% faster or more. I’m ready to dial 9-1-1 to send emergency responders to you right this minute but I need you to reply or just hit the link below if the accident has left you unable to type.

Worriedly,

Kevin Dohmase

May 27th

Dear Chris,

What’s wrong? You know I’m here to help and I really want to help, but I can’t help you unless you’re willing to take that first step. We both know that Silverplate can do 19% more of what you really need so there’s no reason for you to not hit reply or click the link below. Don’t you think it’s time?

Impatiently,

Kevin Dohmase

May 31st

Dear Chris,

Look, if you don’t want to talk to me just say so. Did you notice there’s an UNSUBSCRIBE link at the bottom of these emails? How hard would it have been to click that link or the TELL ME MORE link or just hit reply since they’re all right there together? If you’re not interested in the 26% savings Silverplate can provide just say so.

Frustratedly,

Kevin Dohmase

June 6th

Dear Chris,

What are you, some kind of jerk or something? I thought we had a relationship here. I thought we were friends. I’m trying to help you out here. I’m giving this 123%, exactly in discounts the you’ll get with your first order from Silverplate. But if you’re a big old moron  can’t hit reply or click that link. Well I hope you’re happy with yourself. I wish I’d never heard of you.

Warmly,

Kevin Dohmase

June 6th

DEAR CHRIS,

PUTRID SACK OF ROTTING OFFAL. Something percent. Reply. Link. Whatever. Chicken jockey lips percent. Go down in flames piece of Sacramento

Fragility

Kevin Dohmase

June 7th

Dear Chris,

I am so sorry. I don’t know what cane over me. I just get so upset thinking about how much you’re missing by not using Silverplate and behaved terribly. My blood alcohol level was 16.8%–the same amount you could see in benefits with Silverplate. Let me make this up to you personally. Hit reply or click the link below to set up a time.

Regretfully,

Kevin Dohmase

June 8th

Dear Chris,

You have a right to be upset but please give me a chance to make this up to you. I wouldn’t do this for anyone but because it’s you I’m prepared to offer a 60% discount on your first Silverplate order. Reply or click the link and we can have a fresh start.

Willingly,

June 15th

Kevin Dohmase

Dear Chris,

Now I’m starting to get upset. I tried to give you some space because I know how you are but now you’ve had more than enough time. How much time? Try 77%. And that’s how much you’ve lost by not using Silverplate. This will be my final message. I’ve invested too much in this but we both know we’ve finally come to an end.

Finally,

Kevin Dohmase

June 17th

Dear Chris,

How serious am I? I’m 100% serious. Silverplate will change your life. Without it you’re nothing. If you don’t at least try it you’ll regret it. I mean really regret it. Think I’m kidding? Click the link or hit reply for proof.

Warningly,

Kevin Dohmase

June 28th

Dear Chris,

I’m sure you’ve heard by now about the tragic and sudden loss of Kevin. It came as a great shock to all of us at Silverplate, and I know it’s affected you and his other friends profoundly as well. In this time of gried we are making a special offer of 25% off all Silverplate products. This is a limited time offer but I’m sure you’ll want to take advantage of it.

Reply to this message or click the link below to find out more about the memorial arrangements for Kevin.

With great sorrow,

Susan Teheler

VP, Silverplate Inc.

July 7th

Dear Chris,

I’m Alex Prigson. I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Hoalsmacker Inc. has acquired Silverplate. We’re very excited about this new transition to a more lucrative partnership. I can assure you the standards of quality you’ve come to expect in Silverplate’s products will not change. We have big plans and the future looks bright. During the transition we’ll be offering a special percentage on new products for existing customers. I can’t disclose the exact details in this message but hit the link below or click reply and I’ll be happy to discuss the deal further.

All the best,

Alex

P.S. Kevin speaks very highly of you!

12 Comments

  1. BarbaraM

    Hope you don’t mind, but I sent this to a couple of friends who I thought would appreciate it as much as I did.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m thrilled! Any time I make you laugh feel free to share it. Wake the kids and call the neighbors!

      Reply
      1. BarbaraM

        No kids. Screw the neighbors!

        Reply
  2. Michelle

    Are those the same Hoalsmackers that called me three times IN ONE DAY last week to sell me solar panels? Have told them we have them many times but I think Kevin/Susan/Alex/Bob/Dwayne/Rasheed think I’m just playing hard to get.

    Reply
    1. Michelle

      I should probably mention that I love this post and laughed all the way through it, especially at Warmly, Willingly, Warningly… 😀

      Reply
    2. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Yeah, same ones. We’re all on their mailing/calling list for some reason.
      I just wish the spam filter would take care of it.
      Anyway I’m glad you liked this and that it made it through your spam filter.

      Reply
  3. Ann Koplow

    I obviously have the right department. Brilliant. <3

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m glad you’re contributing to this department.

      Reply
  4. mydangblog

    How did Kevin die? I’m putting my money on erotic asphyxiation with a telephone cord. Poor Kevin–all he wanted was to be loved.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I like the idea of erotic asphyxiation but I thought it was clear from the end that Kevin is alive and well.
      But let’s go with erotic asphyxiation.

      Reply
  5. halfa1000miles

    Lord. This looks like my Linkedin messages. They just…escalate. They want a response. Then they want some of my time. Then they will happen to be “in the area” (from India by the way) next week. Then they try to guilt me about not answering when they are making such a big trip. My LI messages just pile up. I am in sourcing for the largest childrenswear company in the world and everybody wants a piece of me 🙂

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Yeah, the scary thing is I really wasn’t exaggerating very much here. I really do get these increasingly escalating emails. Even though I’m just a humble library worker I got on somebody’s list as a human resources guy and I get emails and even phone calls all the time from people wanting to help me with hiring strategies or offer training for dealing with an active shooter in the workplace.
      I created a Linked In account once and logged in once and it’s just a nightmare. Although I think everyone wants a piece of you because they’ve been reading your blog.

      Reply

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