It wasn’t supposed to rain. At least I don’t think so. I really didn’t check as I was leaving the office because there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. At least I don’t think so. I really didn’t look up. It was sunny and that’s enough, right? And I made it most of the way before it started. I was walking down the home stretch to home when the rain started. It was light but still wet, and the sun was still out, the kind of rain some people call “liquid sunshine”. Sick, twisted people who are desperate to find the bright side of everything. I know I’m not one to talk since I’m an incurable optimist myself. When a friend was hit by a car I said, “Well, on the bright side…” He punched me before I could finish the sentence which is okay because it was a Volkswagen Beetle that hit him, but that’s another story. The point is even the sunniest optimist has to draw the line somewhere and I draw the line at rain. And then it gets washed away, but I keep redrawing it.
So there I was walking home and a light rain started. It was light but still wet. And one of my neighbors was standing out in her front yard with her dog. She had a leash in one hand and an umbrella in the other. My neighbor, I mean. The dog had two pair and a king high in her hand and was obviously eager to get back to the game.
“Isn’t this wonderful?” my neighbor said.
“Yes,” I said, smiling, because I was too polite to say, “WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? CAN’T YOU SEE I’M TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE RAIN?”
“Have you seen a rainbow?” she asked.
“No,” I said, smiling, because I was too polite to say, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? CAN’T YOU SEE I’M GETTING SOAKED HERE?”
“There should be one around somewhere,” she said.
“Yes, keep looking out for it,” I said because I was too polite to say, “AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF THIS RAIN AND DRY OFF DEAL ME IN. I’M TALKING TO YOUR DOG.”
I kept going and got to my house. And there, in the backyard, was the rainbow. It was glorious. It was amazing. I even thought about going to get my neighbor, but I have to draw the line somewhere.
Happy people are just the worst, aren’t they?
😉
Yes, there’s a reason R.E.M. warned us about them. They’re almost as bad as the excessively polite.
My boss stops me when I have to poo. Pretty much always. Hahahah. I ain’t gonna lie. I have a secret poo route now.
We all have a secret poo route. Well, I don’t know how secret it is but in most places if you expose it in public you’ll be arrested. Anyway if he stops you to ask about increasing your output throw him off by suggesting you outcrease your input but that too much can start a crease fire which is what happens if you walk too fast in corduroy pants. Then suggest he crease and desist before he joins the dearly decreased.
Best thing I’ve read all day! Of course, I’m a huge fan of dogs playing poker–Titus is killer at 5 card stud.
I’m very impressed. 5 card stud is not an easy game. One of our dogs used to be pretty good at it but then we had him neutered.
I HAVE MISSED YOUR BLOGS. I definitely fell off the blogging wagon this summer and, um, the two or so months that came after we returned from vacation. But, I’m back in to it and plan to read everything I’ve missed!!! This is so great. You manage to create this whole scene in such a short amount of writing. I envy that (esp because I typically write 2,000 word posts.) Anyway, you’re too funny and I had to laugh about your optimism over the car crash. Yes, perhaps the optimism line should be drawn there, in part. But, I do totally think you should have gotten your neighbour and enjoyed the rainbow together! 🙂 I asked my husband the other day if he thought I was an optimist and a pessimist and he said I’m somewhere in between, which sounds about right. I’m actually a fan of rain–the thing that brings out my glass half empty side the most is when I’m hungry. 🙂 Literally and figuratively.
Welcome back! This is crazy but I envy your 2,000+ word posts. I wish I could write at such length, or at least at such breadth, but I can’t hold my breadth that long. At least I don’t think so. The longest breadth I’ve ever held is a French baguette which is a great name because you can ask for it and tell the checkout person what to do with it in the same breadth. They say breadth is the staff of life but the last time I leaned on breadth I fell over and looked like I was loafing.
The moral here is it’s time for lunch and west is west and yeast is yeast and September is moral season but in the spring we switch to portobellos.
Huh. Both annoying and wonderful.
Both were my goal. I guess that makes this a hat trick. Fitting since I’m mad as a hatter.