Thank You For Dropping By.

All blogging software collects search terms. At least I assume this is the case because a lot of bloggers have written posts about odd and funny search terms they see when they’re working behind the scenes. I believe this was started by The Bloggess and others picked it up and it became very popular, I don’t know, back in the 1970’s or some time around then and I’m doing it now because I always like to follow the crowd but at a safe distance.

These are not the most recent search terms but a few of the more interesting ones I’ve pulled from the total history of this blog.

nashville mta routes map

Of the known search terms this one is the most popular. It’s also the one that I’m sure causes the most disappointment. Anyone who comes here looking for any route maps or, for that matter, instructions on how to get anywhere or do anything is going to be extremely disappointed.

vending machine room

I understand why this search term brings people here but, again, I’m very sorry that anyone looking for directions to the vending machine room won’t find them here. Given the subject of my post about the vending machine I’m disappointed that searches for “Tarzan” don’t seem to bring anyone here.

eavesdropping rude

Yes, I agree that it is, but it’s also inevitable sometimes, especially now that everyone carries their own personal phones everywhere. The other day I heard someone behind me say “Hello handsome!” I didn’t turn around because I knew whoever it was couldn’t possibly be talking to me but when you speak that loudly on a public sidewalk people are going to overhear you even if you follow the crowd at a safe distance.

needing adult diapers because of diuretic

This is a good reminder that I have absolutely no idea how the internet works. Why someone who typed this query into a search engine would be directed here is beyond me, although it does fit with the ongoing theme that I feel guilty for anyone who comes here expecting to find useful information.

wearing skirt stairs

I have no idea what skirt stairs are but they sound extremely uncomfortable. Okay, I admit that I’m not that naïve and in this case at least I’m glad that if this is one area in which anyone who comes here is going to be disappointed.

cary grant does not like elevators

This is proof that other peoples’ search terms are as educational as they are entertaining. I had no idea that Cary Grant didn’t like elevators. And I guess he kept those rugged good looks by using the stairs. Maybe if I take the stairs more often the next time someone says “Hello handsome!” they really will be talking to me.

smear peanut butter on tied naked person let dog loose

I write about a wide variety of subjects but this is one I don’t think I’ve ever considered, so, again, anyone who comes here looking for that sort of thing is going to be disappointed, but if the person and the dog both enjoy it and nobody gets hurt I’m not going to judge.

i hate peeps

So do I, anonymous stranger. Thank you for reassuring me I am not alone.

“idi amin” “late for dinner”

These two come up as a “single” search “term” but at least I know why it’s directing “people” here. There’s an apocryphal story that Idi Amin responded to charges of cannibalism by saying, “I would never eat human flesh. That’s barbaric. Besides it’s much too salty.” I find that funny, so you’d be justified in calling me sick, demented, twisted, and dark–but please don’t call me “late for dinner”.

read the story what is black and white and red all over

This was a final Jeopardy! clue. The correct response was, “What is a zebra in a blender?”

<i>leave grocery cart unattended in line</i>

Yes, this is a great idea. Please leave your grocery cart unattended in the checkout line. Hey, I forgot to get lettuce while I was shopping. I’ll just take yours.

imagine your daisy answer

Another great tip. All my answers are now going to be “daisy”. No matter what the question is I’m going to answer “daisy”. Or “dandelion”. Yeah, I think I’ll go with “dandelion”. I like them more than daisies.

12 Comments

  1. Mila

    Internets is a strange and magnificent bastard.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      It’s like someone scrambled the total sum of human knowledge and put cheese on it.

      Reply
  2. Ann Koplow

    Hello handsome! I love this post.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Hello! I get the strangest feeling you’re talking to me.

      Reply
  3. Mrs Fancy-Pants

    Jealous! I’ve only recently started making my blog more SEO friendly, and the most exciting search terms I got was “virginia creeper trail”. No mystery behind that. I want people to search for weird shit and find my blog!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      The best advice I can come up with is write about weird shit, but I think you’re already on that. Hopefully the SEO will help, although I have no clue what SEO is–just that I keep getting notifications about it.

      Reply
  4. mydangblog

    I only once had a search term on my site, and it was “Last week big ass”. I thought it was funny until I googled it, and I was taken to some pretty nasty, and weekly-updated porn sites. Yours sound way better.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m surprised you had the courage to Google that. It’s a disturbing fact about the internet that sometimes even the most seemingly innocuous search terms will take you to unpleasant sites. That’s why there’s Internet Rule 34: If it exists then there’s porn of it.

      Reply
  5. Sarah

    This cracked me up!!! I don’t think I’ve had any search terms show up that directed people to my site, but I need to check on that and be sure. This is just too good. It’s hard to say what my favorite one is, but the line about the diaretic and diaper definitely made me laugh out loud. It’s amazing what will bring people to the party, I guess! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      What’s really bizarre and funny is that Google seems to think people who are plugging in those search terms want to be directed here. I just hope they find what they’re looking for.
      Now that I’ve used “diuretic” in a post it’s probably going to attract even more people which reminds me of when I first learned that term in a high school health class. And within a week of learning it I heard or read it three or four times. It was either a weird coincidence or everyone around me talked a lot about diuretics and I just never picked up on it because I didn’t know what it meant.

      Reply
  6. Arionis

    Only thing that comes up for mine is “Unknown Search Term”. Seems about right.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Give it time. Also the overwhelming number on mine is “Unknown Search Term”. That’s got more results than all the other weird ones combined. Given what the weird ones are I’m not sure I want to know what the unknown search terms are.

      Reply

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