Holiday Gift Guide 2016.

Last year I made a wish for a job writing copy for the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog. This year it still provides a bounty of wonders but I decided to cast my net a little wider to create an annual holiday gift guide with a few last-minute items for that hard-to-buy person on your list.

Source: Hammacher-Schlemmer

Source: Hammacher-Schlemmer

What better way to keep potential intruders away from your campsite than making it look like the refuge of a bunch of filthy dirty hippies? That’s what the VW Bus Tent is for. It’s not really a vehicle but it will take you back to the sixties. Or set it up at home to get Rocky Mountain high right in your own backyard.

Source: Tipsy Elves

Source: Tipsy Elves

We all look back fondly on the days of getting our asses kicked by bullies because our moms made us wear something stupid, don’t we guys? Well now you can relive those glory days at the office with a wide variety of Christmas-themed suits. My personal favorite is the Mistletoe Money Maker Suit. The design is actually holly berries but you could always accessorize with mistletoe if you’re aiming for that special trifecta of getting your ass kicked, getting fired, and a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Source: Lillian Vernon

Because nothing goes together like drunkenness and children’s games

Source: Hammacher-Schlemmer

Source: Hammacher-Schlemmer

Know someone who’s a big gamer? Know someone who’s a really big gamer? And when I say “big” I mean someone who is approximately nine feet tall because I’m pretty sure that’s the minimum height you’d have to be to enjoy this video game console. Seriously, for $99,000 I think you could just have a Nintendo Wii installed in a movie theater.

triops

Source: Wal Mart

The Triops Kit is the one item that is not a joke. If you’re old enough to remember ads for amazing sea monkeys you know how disappointing it was that they were only brine shrimp. They didn’t live in tiny castles or wear tiny crowns and, let’s face it, as far as underwater life goes they were only slightly less boring and annoying than The Snorks and at least you could kill brine shrimp.

Triops are everything you wanted brine shrimp to be that they weren’t. Okay, they may not wear tiny crowns or live in tiny castles but they’re approximately a hundred times bigger and have been scientifically determined to be a million times cooler.

Tyrannosaurus rex not included.

 

 

8 Comments

  1. Arionis

    The only time I was more disappointed than the sea monkey scam is when I got my pair of X-Ray glasses and couldn’t see through the girl’s bathroom door.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      There were so many ripoffs in the backs of comic books, but even as a kid I laughed at how ridiculous some of them were. I fell for Sea Monkeys but never the X-Ray specs. And I’m tickled to find that there are people who got even more ripped off than we did.

      http://mentalfloss.com/article/30420/11-shameless-comic-book-ads-cost-us-our-allowance-money

      Reply
  2. Jay

    I’m kinda digging the tent!

    happy holidays.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      The more I look at it the more I’m digging it too. It really has got a “keep on truckin'” vibe.

      Reply
  3. Michelle

    I want that tent and I don’t camp.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      The more I look at that tent the more I want it. I think it would be a great tent and also a great car cover.

      Reply
  4. Ann Koplow

    Thanks for the gift of this post, Chris. Here are some gifts for you: YouTube videos from 10 years ago starring my son Aaron, triops, and me.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egIAfvSojaA

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Those are marvelous. I’m amazed and delighted you and Aaron enjoyed growing triops.

      Reply

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