I Can’t Put My Finger On It.

Do you ever have one of those days when you just want to ride the elevator alone but just as the doors are closing someone sticks their arm in, causing the doors to re-open so they can join you? And then you furiously jab the “Door Close” button even though we all know it doesn’t really do anything. Then the doors finally close after an interminable wait of, I don’t know, five or six million nanoseconds, and then you furiously jab the button for your floor to make the elevator go faster even though we all know that’s even less useful than the “Door Close” button.

And because that’s even less useful you get frustrated and start pounding on the button with your fist and then you take out a hammer and smash it and then you break the tiny little pieces and the alarm goes off and the elevator stops and you start jumping up and down. Then the cable snaps and the elevator goes into free-fall and you keep jumping so that you’re actually manage that trick of being the air when the elevator hits the ground and, hey, you got to where you were going five or six nanoseconds faster because the elevator went right past the other person’s floor.

Or it could be one of those days when I think it’s funny to press all the buttons in the elevator and then someone else gets on and I feel awkward.

13 Comments

  1. Gilly Maddison

    I like to get in elevators (or ‘lifts’ as we call them in the United Krankdom) and face the back instead of the door – it freaks people out.
    And the video is not available to me – why me? It must just be one of those days. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I love the fact that the British call elevators ‘lifts’. I consider that part of George Orwell’s lasting influence, assuming he had something to do with it. Anyway I bet what really freaks people out is when the back of the lift opens and you step out.
      Maybe that doesn’t happen but Steven Wright has a joke about the time someone got in a lift with him and Wright said, “Where are you going?” The guy said, “Phoenix,” so Wright pressed the Phoenix button. The doors opened onto Arizona.

      Reply
  2. Ann Koplow

    Yes.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone.

      Reply
  3. Kristine @MumRevised

    I did the every floor thing one day with my son. We blamed someone else but we weren’t fooling anyone. I am afraid of elevators/lifts so I use the stairs when I can. I am also a procrastinator. Which means, I leave the house a good 5-10 minutes later than I should causing me to take the f’n elevator after all. When will I learn?

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Taking the stairs is always better. It’s good exercise and you don’t have to deal with as many people. I don’t know when you’ll learn, though. If you’re a procrastinator you’ll always put off learning.

      Reply
  4. mydangblog

    I always forget which button opens the doors and end up closing them, usually on a colleague. Makes me very popular, as the elevator leaves with me yelling, “Sorry!” I have the buttons labelled: X Wing fighter, Imperial Fighter, Darth Vader’s Helmet, and ET Phone Home.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      It sounds like you need a droid to operate the elevator for you. Maybe we should go back to the old days when elevators had professional operators who wore uniforms and stood there and operated the elevator all day. Except I think you’d have to tip them and how would you know how much to give them?

      Reply
      1. Arionis

        20% of the floors you go past. 🙂

        Reply
  5. Mila

    Sometimes it’s better to ignore people

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m torn about replying to this. On the one hand it made me laugh. On the other hand if I ignore it then I’m paying you an even bigger compliment by taking your advice.

      Reply
  6. Arionis

    That damn door close button! I swear it’s not connected to anything. One day I am going to remove that panel and prove it.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Do it. The world needs to know. Also is there really an escape hatch in the ceiling? That’s a thing you see in every movie where people are stuck in an elevator. I’m not even sure how I’d get up there if I were stuck in an elevator.

      Reply

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: