If You Didn’t Need Medication Before You Will Now.

Thank you for calling the automated pharmacy refill service. You may use this service at any time to refill your prescriptions. This includes times when the pharmacy is closed. Were you aware that you can now use the automated pharmacy refill service to refill your prescriptions?

If you were not press ‘1’ now.

If you were press ‘2’ now.

If you would like to move on to the next option press ‘3’ or remain on the line.

You have selected ‘3’. If this is correct press ‘1’ now. If it is not press ‘2’ to return to the main menu.

Thank you. You have selected ‘1’. You will move on to the next option in just a moment.

Is this a medical emergency? If it is press ‘1’ then hang up and dial 9-1-1 for emergency medical assistance now.

If it is not a medical emergency press ‘2’ to move on to the next menu option.

You have selected ‘2’. Are you sure this is not a medical emergency? If you are not press ‘1’ now for a list of situations that might require emergency medical attention. If any of these apply you should hang up and dial 9-1-1 for emergency medical assistance.

If you are sure this is not a medical emergency press ‘2’ now.

You have selected ‘2’ indicating that this is not a medical emergency. Please be aware that we cannot be held responsible if you are experiencing a medical emergency and insist on trying to refill your prescription instead of seeking medical assistance.

If you are on a specialty medication or there is another reason you may need to speak to a pharmacist please call during regular business hours. If you would like to know what the regular business hours for this pharmacy are press ‘1’ now. If you would like to move on to the next menu option press ‘2’ now.

You have selected ‘2’. Are you sure you know what the pharmacy hours are? If you do press ‘1’ now. If you’re not sure and would like to go ahead and hear them press ‘2’ now.

You have selected ‘1’. We will not be responsible if you try to pick up your prescription in the middle of the night because you don’t know what regular business hours are.

If you are with a doctor’s office and are calling to submit a new patient subscription please hang up and call our doctor’s office number. If you don’t know what our doctor’s office number is press ‘1’ now. If you are with a doctor’s office and do know what our doctor’s office number is but called this one by mistake please press ‘2’ then hang up and dial the correct number.

If you are a patient calling for a prescription refill press ‘3’ now.

If you think we should have put that last option first please remain on the line once you’re done and you will be redirected to a short customer satisfaction survey.

You have selected ‘3’. Please enter the last four digits of the phone number we have on file for you followed by the pound key.

I’m sorry, we could not find that number in our files. If you would like to try and remember which number you gave us when your prescription was placed press ‘1’ now.

If you have so many numbers you don’t have a clue which one we could have press ‘2’ to spell your last name now.

You have selected ‘1’. Please try and enter the correct number this time followed by the pound sign.

Thank you. We have located your file. Please enter your prescription number—

I’m sorry, you didn’t listen to the full message. Please enter your prescription number preceded by the star sign followed by the pound sign after you have pressed zero. Once you have entered your prescription number press the number 1.

Thank you. This prescription has no refills. Would you like us to contact your doctor? If yes press ‘1’. If not press ‘2’ then hang up and call your doctor.

You have selected ‘1’. We will contact your doctor for you.

Do you have any other prescription refill requests? If yes press ‘1’. If no press ‘2’.

You have selected ‘2’. Please be aware that if you are mistaken you’ll have to listen to this entire message again.

Would you like to leave a message for the pharmacist? If yes press ‘1’. If no press ‘2’.

You have selected ‘2’. Would you like to leave a message explaining why you don’t want to talk to the pharmacist, even to just say hello? Sometimes a little personal message can really brighten the pharmacist’s day. If yes press ‘1’. If no press ‘2’.

You have selected ‘2’. Because the pharmacist is a professional this lack of concern on your part will not be taken personally. However if you call back within the next half hour to refill another prescription your call may be routed to this message in Albanian.

We will process your prescription refill request. If you would like to take a short customer survey please remain on the line.

If you are using a rotary phone please hang up and call from another phone or remain on the line. If you are calling during regular business hours someone will be with you after the short customer survey.

18 Comments

  1. Gilly Maddison

    This is absolutely hilarious! Automated phone systems MUST be the leading cause of nervous breakdowns in the ‘civilised’ world!

    Reply
  2. Ann Koplow

    Here’s my response to the short customer survey: I’m pressing “1” because this post is the best.

    Reply
  3. Ann Koplow

    Here’s my response to the short customer survey: I’m pressing “1” because this post is the best.

    Reply
  4. Ann Koplow

    Here’s my response to the short customer survey: I’m pressing “1” because this post is the best.

    Reply
  5. Ann Koplow

    I pressed “1” three times because response times were so low. Now I’m going to hang up.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Your responses are greatly appreciated in spite of the slow response times. Please call back anytime.

      Reply
  6. Drivel Of A Hot Mess

    Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! I have had to go to the pharmacy four times in the last 36 hours, it’s a long story. Not as long as yours, but long enough. Not only do they get you with the automated stuff, but when you go to pick up the prescription and it rings up as $500. “Oh, sorry ma’am. It looks like we don’t show any insurance to bill for you.” I’ve been picking up prescriptions monthly for the last two years at this pharmacy location ???”OK, sweetie, sorry about that. Give us another 45 minutes to bill insurance. Thank you for your patience”. Yes, thank you for giving me another 45 minutes to kill in town with two wiggly and impatient kids in tow. That’s it, I’m just going home. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. As I pull into my driveway 12 miles away from the pharmacy I receive a courtesy text message saying “Your prescription is now ready”. ??

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      That is unbelievably annoying. Wait, did I say “unbelievably”? Because it’s completely believable that a pharmacy would be that annoying. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me at all if you went back and then had to wait in a long line of people and then had someone cut in front of you while you were waiting. The only thing worse than the automated refill service is actually picking up your prescription because something always seems to go wrong.

      Reply
  7. Moonwatcher51

    Too funny! It’s like you were in my kitchen. Bell does the same thing. Always nice to chat with their system. I’m always surprised when I get a real person. The stunned silence says it all.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      It’s so surprising to me when I get a real person that I sometimes don’t know what to say. How’s that for weird? Sometimes when I’m waiting on hold to talk to a real person because I have a problem that can’t be solved automatically I write down what I want to say so I don’t get completely tongue-tied when they finally pick up.

      Reply
  8. mydangblog

    It’s so true! But I can do you one better–the first thing MY pharmacy automated line says when I call is “This is the pharmacy. If this call is pharmacy-related, please press 1. If this call is not pharmacy-related, please press 2. I’ve never pressed 2, because I never call the pharmacy unless I want to call the pharmacy…

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      That’s a pretty bizarre message. I’d be tempted to press 2 just to find out where it led me. Maybe they’re hiding something.

      Reply
  9. Paula

    You’re call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available representative. You’re wait time is between five minutes and two hours.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Well at least there’s a small chance the wait will just be five minutes. Extremely small. More likely it’ll be two hours and five minutes.

      Reply
  10. BarbaraM

    Wonderful post. If you need to speak to a real person, if you press ‘0’ you usually can. But the rest of it is hilarious. My pharmacy doesn’t use press ‘1’ – if you agree with the information provided, you have to press 7. That means pulling the phone away from your face to see where the hell 7 is and hope you don’t miss more important information because it wasn’t up to your ear!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’ve noticed some places have caught on to pressing ‘0’ and it just takes you right back to the main menu instead of a real person which is incredibly annoying. And I think they make you press 7 to make sure you’re paying attention. Sometimes I expect the message to say “Please listen carefully because the menu options are going to change while you’re listening to this.”

      Reply
  11. Arionis

    This is hilarious! The sad thing is, I’d rather go through all that than talk to a live person on the phone.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      That’s really not sad. I really think these things are designed to make it easier for everyone and allow you to call at any time and get your prescriptions filled hopefully without a lot of mistakes. It’s just still kind of crazy to go through it.

      Reply

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