TV Or Not TV.

The following program is fiction and is not meant to represent any actual person or event.

The following program is inspired by actual persons and events. Names and other details have been changed.

The following program is based on actual persons and events. Some details have been changed for dramatic purposes.

The following program is based on historic persons and events. It’s accurate enough that you could probably get away with not reading your history homework.

The following program is an imagined alternative history of persons and events. We’ve warned you. It’s not our fault if you flunk history because you really think Genghis Khan won World War I.

The following program is intended for mature audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.

The following program is intended for juvenile audiences. If you’re an adult with no kids you should be doing something constructive with your time like looking for a job.

The following program is intended for juvenile audiences. Viewer discretion is still advised. Yes, we put in some adult jokes for the parents who have to watch it with their kids, but, parents, think twice about laughing at those jokes because they might prompt discussions you’re not ready to have with your four-year old.

The following program is a repeat of a program that was controversial when originally broadcast but now the most controversial thing is that, yes, people really did dress that way in the ‘70’s.

The following program contains content that’s intended for mature audiences but, let’s face it, the story and characters are pretty juvenile and just an excuse for violence and nudity.

The following program is intended for mature audiences so we hope you’re not just watching it for the violence and nudity.

The following program is an episode of that dramatic series your friends have all been telling you to watch, but since it’s the fifth episode of season three you’re going to be completely lost. Binge

watch it from the beginning this weekend and then you can pick it up next week.

The following program is an episode of a long-running dramatic series set in a [hospital/legal office/police station/department store/sewage processing plant]. Don’t let this stop you. We’ve replaced like, ninety percent of the cast and there will be a helpful “Previously on…” that will tell you all you need to know.

We interrupt the current program to bring you news you’ve probably already read online during the commercials. We aren’t going to tell you how long it will last so you might want to go ahead and switch to whatever you’ve got in your Blu-Ray player.

We now return you to the program in progress. You’ve pretty much given up and plan to go back and watch it later on whatever streaming service you have, right?

The following film has been modified as follows: it has been edited for content and for time, but will still make perfect sense which might make you wonder why you spent fifty bucks to see it in the theater.

 

9 Comments

  1. Gilly Maddison

    An excellent summing up of the Big Brother manipulation box on the wall. Kind of made me think of Gil Scott Heron’s The Revolution Will Not Be Televised for some reason. But $50 to see a movie at the cinema? Is that how much it costs? Wow.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      For two people the cost of tickets, popcorn, and drinks can easily run as much as $50, so it’s not surprising that my neighbour has been known to hide a cheeseburger in his pocket. Oh, and that doesn’t include the cost of parking which increasingly is something that has to be paid for separately.

      Reply
  2. Allison Everett

    I remember going to the movies with a Ukrainian friend. The movie was rated R for partial nudity and language. As he lights went down, he said, “I am looking very forward to the partial nudity!” I still laugh.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      That’s great. And obviously he had a great grasp of the language.

      Reply
  3. Arionis

    I’ll chime in on the nudity (big shocker there right?). There is a noticeable decrease in gratuitous nudity in movies today. Even if there is partial nudity, it is now usually man butt.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      The move from cheesecake to beefcake is a rather curious one and I suspect has a lot to do with more women behind the cameras. But what I always wonder is, when is nudity gratuitous and when is it not? And if it’s gratuitous does that make it a gratuity, like a tip, and, if so, shouldn’t there be at least 20%?

      Reply
      1. Arionis

        The more women behind the camera could very well be the answer. But I am guessing the women in front of the screen want more than just 20% of the tip. 🙂

        Reply
  4. Ann Koplow

    The following comment is inspired by actual persons and events. Names have been changed. Thanks for great post, Kris.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I always enjoy your comments based on real events so that any resemblance to actual persons is intentional and never coincidental.

      Reply

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