Fall Into Autumn.

Fall, the season of cooler weather, falling leaves, and shorter days is here at last. Some prefer to call the season “autumn” after the Latin autmnus, meaning both the season and the harvest. It’s the time to reap the fruits of spring and summer labor and prepare for the winter to come. Whatever you call the season here are some ideas to help you celebrate it.

Store Nuts For Winter

Go to a bank and get a safe deposit box. Specify that you want one low to the ground. Fill it with nuts to see you through the winter.

For extra authenticity do this while wearing a squirrel costume then forget which bank you stored your nuts in. As long as you avoid going back to the same bank you can do this repeatedly over several years. It’s not like it’s going to affect your credit rating.

Make Spider Webs

Spider webs are larger and, thanks to cool morning temperatures which causes dew to collect on them, more visible at this time of year. This makes them an ideal symbol for the season as well as a reminder of the circular rhythms of time. You can craft spider webs of your own out of string or pipe cleaners.

For extra authenticity knit an “egg sac”. Stuff several small children into it. Ce sac n’est pas un jouet. Release them in the spring.

Celebrate Seasonal Differences

Have someone in Australia write “Happy Spring!” on postcards and mail them to you. Notice how they change to “Happy Fall!” when they cross the equator.

Enjoy Seasonal Flavors

Pumpkin spice-flavored drinks have become a popular fall tradition. Try making your own pumpkin spice-flavored beverages at home.

For extra authenticity make a pumpkin spice-flavored latte with only ingredients that would have been available to the early European settlers. So, basically, mash pumpkin and milk together. Yeah, never mind. The result looks and tastes like orange-tinted plaster.

Add pumpkin spice to orange-tinted plaster. Serve it along with some real pumpkin spice-flavored lattes to your friends. See if they can tell the difference.

Do NOT make a rhubarb pie.

Rhubarb is at its peak in the late spring and early summer and is really just celery that’s possessed by demons.

Have a bonfire.

Ideally bonfires should be held in the country or in a large open field, but don’t let living in the city hold you back. Learn from my example, though, and point out to the authorities that technically construction hadn’t started on that site.

Go on a hay ride.

For added fun throw yourself in front of the tractor and get seriously injured, then become the tragic hero of a young adult novel about the rewards and risks of farm life.

Note: Discourage others from following your example. A bunch of injuries can bring down the mood of a fun, jaunty hay ride, and you also want that young adult novel to focus on you.

Have a leaf-raking party.

Raking the leaves that clutter the yard is an annual chore, although no one’s really quite sure why we do it, except that some people are just weird about their yards and have tricked the rest of us into being the same way. Why not make it fun? Everybody loves a party, so invite your friends to help rake leaves in your yard. If you can convince them to bring food, drinks, and their own rakes, well, you can pretty much sit back and rest. Suckers.

Name That Season

Have a debate with a friend over whether the season should be called “Fall” or “Autumn”.

Standard debate rules apply: participants will have their left hands bound together with a one-foot cord, but instead of right hands holding the traditional switchblades participants will try to scald each other with cups of hot cider. It’s educational and delicious!

 

4 Comments

  1. Gilly Maddison

    Something tells me you aren’t taking the changing of the season very seriously 😂😂😂That’s hilarious. I especially like the idea of taking nuts to the bank in a squirrel suit!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      On the contrary I laugh about autumn because I take it so seriously–it’s the most wonderful time of the year!

      Reply
  2. Ann Koplow

    When I fall behind reading your wonderful posts, Chris, I return many times to make sure I’m caught up. Wearing a squirrel costume is optional.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      There is no dress code here, but costumes are strongly encouraged, especially at this time of year.

      Reply

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