From The Workshop.

From: SC/Kringle Enterprises (501(c)(3) Non-Profit)

To: All Household Members Ages 4-9

Item Request/Delivery Information Form SW-2017

Thank you for your participation in the annual operations of Kringle Enterprises. It’s your continued belief in the services we provide that make what we do possible.

We have tried to respond to numerous complaints that we send out this form earlier every year by finding a balance between seasonal events. We apologize if you feel you are receiving this is too soon.

The purpose of this form is to facilitate an accurate and equitable distribution of requested items. In order to provide you maximum satisfaction we request that you please fill out this form as accurately and thoroughly as possible. If additional space is needed you may use the back of the form. Once this form is completed please use the attached sheet to list your desired items. Additional sheets are available on request or may be printed from our website (under construction).

For reasons of efficiency any and all minor infractions committed during the standard grace period of January 1st-November 23rd have been waived. Please limit your responses to the appropriate time frame.

  1. During this period have you done any of the following:

(a) Shouted

(b) Cried

(c) Pouted

The reason we ask this question is to determine whose behavior has been inappropriate or not consistent with the standard guidelines set by the recognized guardians and whose behavior has been commendable.

In order to optimize our travel arrangements to your city, township, or geographic region this question is more important than any other. We ask that you answer this question as accurately as possible and will be performing secondary reviews to ensure that it is correct.

  1. Your residence is best described as:

(a) House

(b) Apartment

(c) Trailer

(d) Other (please specify)

If you answered (a) House please answer the following additional questions. If not you can skip to question #8

  1. Does your house have a fireplace?

(a) Yes

(b) No

If you answered (a) Yes please answer the following additional questions. If not you can skip to question #8

  1. The type of fireplace your home has is:

(a) Wood-burning

(b) Gas-powered

(c) Electric*

(d) Other (please specify)

*If your home has an electric fireplace without a chimney you can skip to question #8

  1. What are the exact dimensions of your home’s chimney? Please note that if any of the items you requested exceed the specified dimensions they may not be placed in the standard delivery area but may be left elsewhere in the residence or outside.

 

  1. Is your fireplace traditionally lit during the expected delivery period?

(a) Yes

(b) No

 

If you answered (a) Yes please answer the following additional question. If not you can skip to question #8

 

  1. What time in the evening is the fire usually extinguished? For reasons of efficiency and safety we ask that you answer this question as accurately as possible.

 

  1. During what times do you expect to be asleep? In order to avoid possible conflicts resulting from chance encounters we ask that you answer this question as accurately as possible. Contrary to some reports we do not keep records of when individual customers are active and when they are dormant.

 

  1. Have you or do you plan to leave out the following during the expected delivery period:

 

(a) A glass of milk, cookies, and carrots

(b) A beer, cookies, and carrots

(c) A snifter of brandy, a pastrami sandwich (rye bread only), and carrots

(d) All of the above*

*While we try to be as fair as possible the response (d) does increase the possibility that customers will receive most of all requested items.

The final question is purely optional and is only included for informational purposes.

  1. Has anyone personally told you there is not a Santa Claus? If yes this person would best be described as:

(a) Close to your age

(b) Older than you but not a teenager

(c) A teenager

(d) An adult

Please be aware that answering this question will in no way reflect upon you although the penalties for the responsible individual may be a lump of coal, limited driving privileges or difficulty obtaining a driver’s license, or a reduced credit score.

Thank you for assisting us in maximizing our customer experience by filling out this form. We request, as always, that your behavior remain consistent with the guidelines set forth by the appropriate guardians for goodness’ sake.

 

8 Comments

  1. Ann Koplow

    Thank you, Chris, for maximizing my WordPress experience by writing this blog, for goodness’ sake.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Your comments are always pure goodness to me.

      Reply
  2. Arionis

    LOL! Have the Vogons invaded the North Pole? Good one Chris. Had me cracking up.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Maybe the Vogons should invade the North Pole. I’ve always thought Santa’s workshop could be better organized. And with Vogons running things maybe I could get a Pangalactic Gargleblaster for Christmas.

      Reply
  3. Allison

    Well played. I need to get my form sent.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Make sure you cross your i’s and dot your t’s and fill out everything in quadruplicate.

      Reply
  4. mydangblog

    I’m putting out d) All of the above to try and cancel out the shouting and pouting that I’ve done this year!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      A valuable lesson I learned in school is you can never go wrong with “all of the above”.

      Reply

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: