I Came, I Thaw, I Conquered.

So far this winter I haven’t had a cold, or at least nothing more significant than the sniffles that come from being out in the cold and stepping into a warm building which always seems to cause my nose to run. I’m not sure why this is. Even when it’s been really cold outside it hasn’t, as far as I know, been cold enough to freeze my sinuses, and even if it were I don’t think the temperature change is enough to cause such immediate thawing. If it takes the microwave at least five minutes just to get the frost off a small chicken breast I have no idea why the linings of my nasal passages, which should be a pretty stable ninety-eight and a half degrees Fahrenheit most of the time, can go from solid to liquid before I even have a chance to shut the door that divides the indoors from the outdoors. Some might think I’m inviting disaster by bragging that I haven’t been afflicted by the rhinovirus, or even the elephantvirus, the zebravirus, or the aardvarkvirus. That last one combines sniffling and sneezing with uncontrollable laughing because it’s the only known virus that has bunny ears, a pig’s nose, and a big floppy tail, but that’s another story. I’m not worried that talking about it will cause me to fall under the influenza, mostly because I’ve never been really superstitious, knock on wood, but also because I got a flu shot at the start of the season and I think my odds are pretty good even though the flu vaccine isn’t always one-hundred percent effective. It’s like the fall TV lineup: even with the best possible combination of what’s expected to work a few people are still going to get sick, but that’s another story. And I realize I’ve slipped from the common cold to the common flu even though they’re two entirely different beasts and could easily be distinguished at a distance if you could see them without a microscope. The common cold worries me even less because I have this completely unscientific idea that the reason I get at least one every year is because it’s always mutating and therefore one step ahead of my immune system, but this year maybe it’s gone into reruns and I’ve been able to head it off with some nasal streaming. And also at any sign of a cold I’ve started taking vitamin C even though I’ve never been superstitious, and I’m not sure why vitamin C, which is supposed to prevent the common scurvy, is always the treatment for a cold, although I think it has something to do with helping your nose thaw faster.

8 Comments

  1. mydangblog

    I too have managed to escape the winter cold so far. I attribute that to the liberal use of alcohol, which everyone knows kills germs. Let’s hope we both stay healthy, knock on wood.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’ll join you in assuming that staying healthy is the result of a liberal use of alcohol, and I’d use that as an excuse to drink, but, let’s face it, I don’t need an excuse.

      Reply
  2. Kristine @MumRevised

    This is some kind-of timing Christopher…
    I currently mutating with a head cold that feels like my brains are trying to come out my ears (evolution?). I know they are not, but they are trying really hard and I find myself putting my hands over my ears to ensure I don’t leak brain matter into my coffee.
    Also, I have been doodling a snot catcher ski apparel idea I’m hoping to patent because I’m sick of snotsicles and putting on your face warmer after lunch and it is covered in thawed mucus. (Was that too much? Perfect. That will be my sales pitch then.) Maybe an outside to inside version would work for all you gentle souls in the warmer parts of the universe. I’ll just be here at -9F and worrying about you Nashvillites at 30F. Poor baby. Rug up and stay warm.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Well, I hope you’re feeling better now, and I’d like to add that I’ve always thought mucous is one of the funniest things in the universe, and “snotsicles” is officially my favorite word of the week. Also while we’re currently in the upper twenties, Fahrenheit, we are covered with snow. To you in the Great White North that’s nothing special but here we have people falling all over themselves saying, “What is this white stuff falling from the sky? Chicken feathers? Did a pillow factory explode? Hey, it melts like ice.”
      Except tonight when it’s supposed to get down to 3 degrees, also Fahrenheit, which is negative bazillion Celsius, and all that snow will freeze solid and crush us.

      Reply
  3. BarbaraM

    La la, I live in South Florida, la la…..Seriously Kristine, when you’re making your reverse snot catcher for us down here, make sure there’s a version with SLEEVES! Why anyone would think that 65 degrees is a comfortable shopping temperature is beyond me.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Lucky you down there in South Florida, where you have two seasons: spring and summer. Admittedly up here in Tennessee we also have two seasons. They just happen to be winter and summer.

      Reply
  4. Ann Koplow

    Your posts are a little scientific and always quite terrific.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      One thing aardvarks and your comments have in common is they both make me smile.

      Reply

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