The Beach Rules.

In order to enjoy the beach safely and responsibly please observe the following rules:

  1. Pets are allowed on the beach but please pick up after them.
  2. Children are allowed on the beach but please pick up after them.
  3. This is a public beach. Please dress appropriately. Yes, we’re talking to you. Really, those shoes with that shirt? Did you get dressed in the dark this morning or what?
  4. If caught in an undertow swim parallel to the beach until you are out of the current and can swim back safely.
  5. If caught in an overtow dive as deep as you can and swim parallel to the beach, if you remember where it is. This is a great chance to see how long you can hold your breath!
  6. If your car is towed call 251-555-3219.
  7. Don’t build a fire unless you’ve been in a horrific plane crash or fallen off a cruise and found yourself stranded alone on the beach. If that’s the case as soon as you start making a fire someone’s bound to show up and tell you you’re doing it wrong. Get a lift home from them.
  8. Feed the seagulls at your own risk. Every year dozens of tourists are carried away by flocks of seagulls.
  9. Do not linger under the palm trees. It makes the coconuts skittish.
  10. Solicitation is prohibited. So is selling anything. If someone approaches you and tries to interest you in a timeshare or beach property tell them you’re Canadian.
  11. There are lifeguards on duty but they can only run in slow motion. If you’re drowning try and prolong it as long as you can.
  12. If you find a lamp on the beach and rub it and a genie doesn’t come out take it home and try plugging it in.
  13. Do not get high on the beach. You might fall off.
  14. Do not taunt the seahorses. They may look cute, especially the babies, but the adults are very protective and, at up to six feet long and three-hundred pounds, can inflict a nasty bite.
  15. Do not drink the water.

6 Comments

  1. Ann Koplow

    This post rules, Chris.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      All of your comments rule, Ann; that’s why I always look forward to them.

      Reply
  2. mydangblog

    Love it! Although Canadians are suckers for beach bums selling time shares!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’ve heard that. I once listened to a beach bum–my parents call them “beach pests”–trying to convince some people to visit his timeshare. What got my attention was when he said, “You’re Canadian? We LOVE Canadians!”
      Also a newspaper writer down in St. Petersburg, Florida, once wrote about how when he went to give blood one summer day he noticed the Red Cross was nearly empty. The nurse said, “Our donations really drop off when the Canadians leave.”

      Reply
  3. Red

    What a strange song!
    I used to live/work at the beach. Funny take!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m glad you liked it. The instructions were inspired by something I saw on the refrigerator of a beach house although I’ve since learned that if you’re caught in a rip current you’re probably better off just drifting.

      Reply

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