All About That Spice.

As every summer approaches its end there’s a chill and a thrill in the air, a spicy tang, a bittersweet tinge that makes the shorter days a little brighter and the longer nights a little softer. It’s a time to savor, to reap, or maybe sow, or even knit if that’s your thing. It’s a time to drink in what life has to offer. In short it’s pumpkin spice season.
Pumpkin spice season runs from September 15th through November 30th.
Pumpkin spice was invented in New England and was used as a form of currency for more than fifty years.
Pumpkin spice is a non-proprietary blend of cinnamon from Sri Lanka, nutmeg from Malaysia, ginger from India, and allspice from Jamaica because only tropical imports could make a large mutant gourd palatable.
Pumpkin spice is an oxidant. Or anti-oxidant. Whichever is the good one.
Pumpkin spice should never be consumed by itself but can be part of a complete breakfast when combined with other foods—say, olive loaf.
Pumpkin spice has been gluten free since rehab.
In recent years pumpkin spice has been gaining popularity in Britain, gradually supplanting the much more traditional turnip spice.
Your friends have your back. Pumpkin spice has your front.
Spoiler alert: it was pumpkin spice the whole time.
Pumpkin spice is an EGOT winner. Twice.
Pumpkin spice is a scientifically proven cure for the common epizootic.
Pumpkin spice enhances glazed doughnuts and causes glazed eyes.
Pumpkin spice knows all your secrets.
Combining pumpkin spice beverages with pumpkin spice candles can cause severe burns.
Pumpkin Spice is the only one of the Spice Girls still touring.
Consuming large amounts of pumpkin spice will give you the ability to fold space and time, facilitating interstellar travel. Watch out for sandworms!
The elements of pumpkin spice were first isolated in 1955 at UC Berkeley by a janitor and part-time physicist named Herb.
Your feelings toward pumpkin spice are not reciprocated.
Pumpkin spice knows all the words to “Louie Louie”.
When you gaze into pumpkin spice pumpkin spice gazes back into you.

14 Comments

  1. Jay

    Ah yes, the scent of douchebags.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      At this time of year it’s pretty much the scent of everything.

      Reply
  2. Arionis

    Love the Dune reference!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I wondered how many people would pick up on that. I had to put that in just because the idea of a term as generic as “spice” being associated with a very specific and valuable commodity is surprisingly plausible.

      Reply
  3. Mila

    Nicely done, Pumpkin Spice. Also, now I too want to know all the words to “Louie Louie”.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Weirdly I had forgotten that for a brief period in high school my nickname was “Slice” because I drank Orange Slice soda. Also you’re in luck: the full lyrics to “Louie Louie” were published in a Bloom County comic in 1988.

      Reply
  4. Ann Koplow

    OMG. I love all the spices in this blog post, Chris. <3

    Reply
    1. Ann Koplow

      I just shared your post with my pumpkin-haired son, Aaron, who knows all those words to “Louis, Louis.” Many thanks, Chris.

      Reply
    2. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Thank you for spicing up this blog with this comment and for sharing this with Aaron.

      Reply
  5. Bryce Warden

    Pumpkin spice is the devil, there I said it.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      At first I was surprised by the level of ire pumpkin spice brought out in people but, yeah, if it’s the Devil, I can see why.

      Reply
  6. Allison

    Olive loaf. I loved olive loaf. I loathe pumpkin spice.

    Give me maple or give me death.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Maple! Yes! Maple syrup, tapped in the dead of winter, is so much better. The worst thing about pumpkin spice is there’s not really any pumpkin in it.
      And it feels wrong that I’m now craving olive loaf.

      Reply
  7. Tom

    LMAO!

    Reply

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