To: All Employees
Subject: FAQ Regarding The Dragon
As many of you have noticed the company has recently acquired a dragon. The dragon is currently located just off the main lobby on the first floor but may be moved if needed, and if time, staff, and the dragon itself will allow.
In the interest of providing a safe working environment we’re providing this FAQ regarding the dragon and general employee conduct.
1. Why a dragon?
Excellent question. Dragons are an exceptionally good low-cost security option, providing both efficient and extensive safety for the building and other company resources. Companies that have adopted dragons have found that losses due to theft drop by as much as 21% in the first year alone, before the dragon is fully grown. The dragon can also be used to incinerate large quantities of company documents. A single dragon can replace a single floor and hundreds of hours of shredding, again providing great security. Dragons are also exceptionally good at accounting.
2. Is the dragon dangerous?
Yes.
3. Are there special precautions I should take around the dragon?
Yes. Most dragon-related problems can be avoided with simple common sense, though. Do not startle the dragon. Do not step on or try to step over the dragon. Do not approach the dragon from behind. Do not eat near the dragon. Do not wear perfume when the dragon has a cold. Do not wear jewelry around the dragon.
4. Can I talk to the dragon?
It would be best if you didn’t. There are also certain topics you shouldn’t discuss around the dragon.
5. What topics should be avoided?
Again use common sense, but we suggest avoiding Sean Connery, Peter MacNicol, Beowulf, the works of Tolkien, McCaffrey, Rowling, Andrew Lang, Perrault, and the Brothers Grimm, dairy products, swords, lances, and various world mythologies. A more thorough list will be posted in the break room and updated regularly.
6. Dairy products?
Let’s not get into it.
7. What does the dragon eat?
Mostly large quantities of sulfur as well as a proprietary mixture we cannot disclose.
On an unrelated note all employees who donate blood as part of the semi-annual company Dragon Drive will be entered in a drawing to win a $10 gift card to Chipotle.
8. You’re saying the dragon drinks human blood.
We’re not saying that.
9. But the dragon drinks human blood.
If that were the case–and we’re not saying it is–then we’d like to advise all employees that there could be unpleasant consequences if this need were not sated at least twice a year.
10. Is it true the dragon ate half the accounts payable department shortly after arrival?
We can’t confirm that, at least until a settlement is reached, but let’s say that mistakes were made and the full implications of owning a dragon had not been completely studied until after the dragon had been delivered and installed.
11. Can anything be done about the smell?
“The smell” has been added to the list of topics that shouldn’t be discussed around the dragon.
12. Could you define “around the dragon”?
Yes. This is still being studied but for the time being let’s say the entire building and the surrounding area in a radius of approximately ten miles.
13. Has the dragon reached full size?
No. Employees are advised to get used to entering through the second floor. A ramp is being installed and may be updated as necessary to provide a third floor entry.
Finally we don’t like to suggest that any employee is expendable but we are exploring filling departmental gaps with the dragon’s teeth.
I just love how your mind works 🙂
Lol love it…. however….
1. Can anything be done about the smell?
“The smell” has been added to the list of topics that shouldn’t be discussed around the dragon.
Be sure to really, really respect this one…. Unable to clean my foot for 3 weeks, may have caused a smell, that I am sure would have awoken a dragon if it was commented on
There will be no discussion of the smell. If it means the dragon has gout, though, it’ll make it easy to run away from.
Great care will be taken not to say anything about the smell, although I’m pretty sure where it’s coming from isn’t the dragon’s feet.
So many people say that I’m beginning to think there’s something unusual about my mind.
This is brilliant!
Funny how much this one appeals to those who work in the corporate world. It’s almost as though you’ve heard something like this before.
Thomas makes his stealth roll with a 32% and quietly creeps past the sleeping wyrm. Gripping his vorpal blade and uttering a silent prayer to the god of thieves, Thomas peers behind the dragon in search of it’s horde…
Logically the dragon should wake up but the Dungeon Master knows that incinerating the whole party would just bum everybody out. The DM rolls…the twenty-sided die says it’s time for a pizza break.
Perfect!
I’ll make the call. 😉
I want to work there!
You’re in luck because there are always openings.
I loved this! Just finished reading a book with a dragon as one of the main characters. Fortunately the book’s dragon comes from a different arm on the family tree. Although the lactose intolerance might be inherited.
Hey, no fair dropping details about a book without actually naming the book. Saying that it’s a book with a dragon as one of the main characters doesn’t exactly narrow it down.
I’m not sure it’s out yet as a friend who’s a Librarian sent me an Advance Reader’s Copy. But in any case, it’s a YA book called ‘The Language of Spells” by Garret Weyr. I will admit that it left me weepy at the end.
Have you submitted this anywhere, Chris? If not, stop dragon your ass.
I’m afraid this one has helped me add to my collection of rejections, which is becoming something of a point of pride.