Vampire For Hire.

Ever wanted to be a vampire but weren’t sure how to become one or had trouble locating a vampire to bite you on the neck but not drain your blood completely, allowing you to join the ranks of the damned and perpetually tormented souls who fly through the night feasting on the living? Of course you have. So for your convenience I’ve been through various works on vampire lore, including The Vampire In Europe by Montague Summers, Vampires, Burial, And Death by Paul Barber, and The Vampire: A Casebook edited by Alan Dundes, and I’ve been able to dig up several ways for you to become a vampire:

Get a vampire’s blood on you.

Eat meat from an animal that’s been attacked by a wolf.

Die of the plague.

Commit suicide.

Be a terrible person in life.

Be an exceptionally good person in life.

Be unpopular with your neighbors.

Be murdered.

Murder someone.

Be excommunicated.

Be buried prematurely.

Be buried in unconsecrated ground.

Be born with teeth.

Have your corpse carried out of your house head first.

Have your corpse carried out of your house feet first.

Have any animal jump over your corpse before it’s buried.

Have a cat sit on your coffin while you’re lying in state.

Have a cat jump over your grave.

Have a prominent birthmark.

Have red hair.

Have red hair and blue eyes.

Live in Transylvania.

With all that I’m surprised more of us aren’t vampires.

16 Comments

  1. LIbrary Heather

    Well I’ve only got 1 out of 22. I was born with a prominent birthmark, but I had it removed in 2003, so I’m not sure if it even still counts. I guess my chances of becoming a vampire are slim at the moment. We’ll see what happens to my corpse once I’m dead… hopefully many, many years from now.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      None of the sources say whether surgery can change the fate of someone destined to be a vampire but it’s entirely possible. To be on the safe side you could consider cremation. One thing they’re consistent about is that vampires need a complete body.

      Reply
  2. Arionis

    Also, if you ever hosted a kids show but then got caught taking certain liberties with yourself at a movie theater. Let’s see if you can figure out that reference.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Fred Willard never hosted a kids’ show. Oh, wait, you must mean Paul Reubens. Somehow it doesn’t surprise me he’s a vampire.

      Reply
  3. floweringink

    Best October post I have read!!!! Love this! It is bloody brilliant!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Thank you so much. October, as you might have guessed, is my favorite time of the year.

      Reply
  4. Tom

    How do you know we’re not?

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Good point. For all I know you’re all vampires, or maybe mostly vampires. Perhaps I’m surrounded by vampires. I know I’m human, but that’s another story.

      Reply
  5. mydangblog

    It worries me that cats figure so prominently in vampire development. Makes me wonder what Raven has in store for me…

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Think of it this way: maybe Raven wants you to be a vampire so she can keep you around. Cats also played a major role in ending the Black Plague. Before that they weren’t appreciated very much. The end of the Black Plague also marks the end of most vampire occurrences. Is that a coincidence?

      Reply
  6. Jay

    I can’t say that I’ve given it a lot of thought. I think of myself as more were wolf material. But this is an excellent resource.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Werewolves are better than vampires. There, I said it. Interestingly some of the same methods for becoming a vampire also apply to becoming a werewolf.

      Reply
  7. Ortensia

    I don’t know if it because I love bats or because I still have my left vampire tooth(the other the orthodontist managed to push it back) but I absolutely loved this post😍🧛‍♂️🧛‍♀️🦇

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it and glad you love bats. They really are wonderful creatures and so underappreciated.

      Reply
  8. Ann Koplow

    There are at least two indications that I’ll be a vampire and at least three that my son will be one. I like believing that if I am undead I can hang with my son and also keep reading your blog.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      If “Be an exceptionally good person” wasn’t on your list then there are at least three indications you’ll be a vampire, and I’m glad you’ve found the bright side to a life in eternal darkness.

      Reply

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