There’ll Also Be Plenty Of Hot Air.

Here is the weekly weather forecast for the office:

On Monday sunrise will be at 5:52AM. The building will be open at 6:00AM but you’ll still need to use your key card to access the elevators because the maintenance guy keeps forgetting we’re no longer on Daylight Savings Time and at this point he might as well leave it like it is.

Gary will be in at 10:23AM and be careful because he’ll still have a wicked hangover.

On Tuesday expect a frosty reception from Meredith who will be upset that no one watered her plants while she was on vacation even though she didn’t ask anyone and they’re all succulents anyway. And technically she should be more upset that no one really noticed she was out Monday.

There’s also about a 60% chance that project that’s 90% finished will be cancelled.

An envelope for contributions to Pearl’s retirement gift will circulate through the office and there’s an 80% chance you won’t have anything smaller than a twenty.

On Wednesday morning you’ll need your key card to access the elevators because the maintenance crew did something to the alarm system the night before and now everything’s locked down.

Wednesday afternoon expect a high pressure front to move through as Rick and Gary get into an argument over whether or not to close the blinds on the western side of the office in the afternoon. This could cause significant delays in getting out that earnings report, so be prepared and make sure you’ve got your noise-cancelling headphones.

You’ll go to the vending machine and there’s an 80% chance you won’t have anything smaller than a twenty.

In the afternoon be prepared for delays in the break room because that’s when Meredith is going to want to tell you about her vacation.

On Thursday there’s about a 75% chance the construction guys who’ve torn up the sidewalk on the west side of the building will cut a cable causing a loss of internet access, all power, or both. If this doesn’t happen you can congratulate them as you’re forced to step out into traffic to get around the mess they’ve made, or you can wait until next week when the chances they’ll cut a cable will be up to 100%. Also at around noon on Thursday Terry is going to heat fish in the microwave, making you wish there were such a thing as smell-cancelling nostrilphones.

Watch for slick spots in the break room on Thursday afternoon too after Terry spills a bottle of Sriracha and is astoundingly, but not surprisingly, oblivious.

In the late afternoon Rick from the fifteenth floor will discover an accounting error and will storm into the office and figuratively eat someone’s lunch.

On Friday it will rain. It won’t affect your plans to go out for lunch but dress accordingly.

Terry will discover leftovers from Giacomo’s in the office fridge and literally eat someone’s lunch.

Also on Friday afternoon Steve will drop by and ask you to proofread the handouts for the meeting and by “proofread” he means “collate and staple”, so you won’t catch his hilarious misspelling, inserting an “i” in the word “pens”. And it serves him right for scheduling a meeting for 4:00PM on Friday.

Every day over the coming week be careful driving in the parking garage, especially between 7:30AM and 8:30AM when most people are coming in, between 4:30PM and 5:30PM when most peple are leaving, and between 9:30AM and 10:30AM because that’s when Gary comes in.

The cold front will continue for the foreseeable future as long as the building managers persist in the belief that shutting off the heat at 6:00PM every night and only turning it back on at 6:00AM the next morning is actually saving money.

At some point this week there will be a fire alarm. I can’t say when exactly it will occur, and it’s probably just a test, but there’s a small chance that it’s a real fire or other emergency, so I leave it to you whether or not you want to wake up Gary on your way out.

 

10 Comments

  1. Allison

    Oddly enough, we had a test alarm this morning and only half of the people affected received the warning email. Chaos ensued.

    We also had a cold affront, and by that, the guy in the cube next to me took two days off with a cold, but came back in today because he “got bored”. And may “still be a little contagious”.

    Ah, office life.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Office life is a never ending source of entertainment. Especially the test alarms. I’ve made the mistake of going for a walk when there’s an alarm and caused panic because no one can find me.
      And I want to put a plastic bubble around anyone who thinks they may be “a little contagious”.

      Reply
  2. floweringink

    This is laugh out loud funny!!!! It’s Wonderful! There is so much I love about it, but this little bit of inventiveness is pure genius, “smell-cancelling nostrilphones.”

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m so glad you enjoyed it and now I really want to work on making smell-cancelling nostrilphones a real thing. It’s bound to make a fortune.

      Reply
  3. mydangblog

    ALL of my projects that are 90% complete get cancelled. How do you understand my work environment so well?!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Kinda scary, ain’t it, that office life is the same everywhere? At least we can take comfort in the solidarity.

      Reply
  4. Ann Koplow

    I love the way your mind works, Chris. My forecast is that this hilarious post will be published elsewhere.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      A person who runs an audiobook company has been coming to my writing group and this is one of several pieces I’ve considered collecting in an audiobook. So I hope your forecast comes true.

      Reply
  5. Bryce Warden

    This reminds me of my days in corporate America. I see the needle hasn’t moved much.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Some things never change, although technically I’m not even in the corporate world, working as I do for a non-profit library. Not that any of this in any way reflects my own work life.

      Reply

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