Rejected Again.

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately it doesn’t fit our needs at this time.

Best,

Terry Wilkins, PLM Review

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thank you for your recent submission. This time we’ll have to give it a pass.

Regards,

Adrien Kösz, Catchall Quarterly

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thanks for the submission. It’s not quite what we’re looking for. Try reading some back issues.

Sincerely,

Finley Paldies, Rubbertree

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thank you for your submission. It’s a good idea but reads too much like a first draft. Thanks for considering us.

Best wishes,

Davis Evental, The Palanquin

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thank you for submitting to the sixth annual Lawn Chair Short Story Contest. We’re pleased to announce you were one of the semifinalists and qualify for a discounted subscription. Click the link below for information on how to order.

Congratulations!

Editors-Lawn Chair

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thank you for your submission letter. I think you forgot to include the attachment.

Cordially,

Andy Kerrem, Happy Hour

Dear Mr. Waldrop

Thank you for your submission but this isn’t the sort of thing we publish. Perhaps you have us confused with another publication.

Sincerely,

Morgan Darrenton, Assistant Editor, The Huxley Biological Journal

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thanks for sending this. We all liked it a lot but I’m sorry it’s just not what we’re looking for. Good luck and thanks again!

-Evelyn Watkins, publisher, Bass Fisherman

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thank you for the manuscript. It was only out of morbid curiosity that I opened this package. According to our records you have, so far, sent us The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald with all instances and variations of the word “young” replaced with the word “xeriscape”, The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket by Edgar Allan Poe with all instances of the word “boat” replaced by “badass motorcycle”, and what appears to be a “Mad Libs” version of William Blake’s The Marriage Of Heaven And Hell with all the blanks filled with a crudely handwritten “and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver”.

However your submission of Hamlet rewritten in contemporary speech with characters’ names randomly changed is, I believe, your crowning achievement. I only recognized the source material because it fell open to a random page where I read, “Hey, this is from that guy Yorick. I knew him, Dingo Jingleberries.”

Please stop sending things to me.

Daniel Lackham, Assistant Editor, Farrington Books

Dear Mr. Waldrop,

Thank you for your message. I think you sent it to the wrong address though.

Angela Stewart

Human Resources Department

Warrenton Finance

10 Comments

  1. Bookstooge

    Oh man, Dingo Jingleberries had me cracking me up!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I’m still surprised they turned that one down but it’s enough for me that I made you laugh.

      Reply
  2. Arionis

    Thanks for the chuckle. You’ll never get a rejection letter from this small cog.
    Arionis recently posted…Humor In UniformMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      That’s reassuring. I know I can’t be accepted everywhere but as long as I’m accepted somewhere it’s all good.

      Reply
  3. The Huntress915

    Oh dear, if Human Resources didn’t like what you sent, then they are less than human and even less so resourceful! This gave me a great chuckle, I mean I’m not laughing at rejection itself, because I know what that’s like. I’m laughing at the methods you’ve used to submit your “work”, lol
    The Huntress915 recently posted…Politics: A Few Halfassed Observations Brought to you by: Tales of Mere Existence by Levni YilmazMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Getting published is a hit or miss business with more misses than hits, but, hey, I figure I’m not going to accomplish anything if I don’t at least try.

      Reply
  4. mydangblog

    Your version of The Marriage of Heaven and Hell made me laugh WAY harder than the original!
    mydangblog recently posted…My Week 250: WWJD, A Special DayMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      That’s a great compliment because I think the original is an absolute scream. Maybe it’s just me but I think William Blake is greatly underappreciated as a funny guy.

      Reply
  5. Ann Koplow

    Dear Mr. Waldrop,
    Thank you for your submission. Fortunately, it totally meets our needs at this time.
    With all due respect,
    Your reader
    Ann Koplow recently posted…Day 2422: Who loves you?My Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I knew I would find acceptance with you, and my only regret is not earlier including a link to Mad Magazine’s “The Rejection Letter”.

      Reply

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