Eat Your Whiskey.

There’s been a lot of discussion lately of the new whisky pods. If you haven’t seen these they’re just like the gel pods that laundry detergent comes in, only filled with whisky, and with less of a laundry detergent flavor. I suspect this idea was cooked up by the marketing department that realized that kids putting detergent pods in their mouths was a terrible thing and also a fad that wasn’t bound to last and that it was a much better marketing strategy to find ways to get kids to put booze in their mouths. Also they wanted to appeal to adults who, for the most part, haven’t shown much interest in putting laundry detergent in our mouths. Oddly enough most adults prefer using laundry detergent for laundry.

Source: Food & Wine

As you can probably tell I think the booze pods are a great idea because whenever I scoop up a handful of whiskey most of it runs out before I can get it to my mouth. And for a while I tried using glasses until someone told me I was taking the expression “beer goggles” much too literally, but that’s another story.

I did finally realize I could put whiskey in the same sort of container I use for other beverages and drink from that, but I asked myself, where’s the fun? And where’s the added advantage of a nice chewy gelatin cover? Jell-O shots are a nice alternative but require a lot of work. The little single-serving size bottles of alcohol are nice too, but I find the glass hard to chew. Someone suggested airplane-size bottles, and while I enjoy a glass or two of whiskey as much as the next guy—if the next guy is Dylan Thomas—a bottle the size of a Cessna is a bit much.

Another advantage of whisky pods is that this Halloween yours can be the most popular house on the block. While everybody else is handing out candy just throw a couple of whiskies into the kids’ bags and tell ‘em “Those are for your parents.” Just make sure your house is the last stop. Whisky pods are naturally breakable and you don’t want kids going home with their candy bags smelling like the Orkney islands.

In case you couldn’t guess this is satire, and if you didn’t realize that it’s completely understandable. In a world where whisky pods are an actual thing you can buy anything is possible.

12 Comments

  1. The Huntress915

    Hahahaha! I can’t even imagine that you had to say at the end that this was satire, because I know many people would be like “OMG where can I get an airplane size bottle of whiskey?!” I’ll have two whiskey pods of Glenlivet to go please! As Ron Burgundy would say.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Maybe I didn’t have to say it was satire but since whiskey pods are a real thing I can imaging people having trouble knowing if it was a joke or not. Whiskey pods, after all, seriously question the wisdom of even Ron Swanson who said, “There is no wrong way to consume alcohol.”

      Reply
  2. Allison

    I just read an article about those… I think my question is… why?!?!? If there were pods of, say, shitty cheap hooch, that makes sense. Get drunk quick without the shitty taste.

    I myself prefer beer. In a pint glass. No IPA, either – just plain old lager.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Beer in a pint glass is my preferred poison as well–and while I like an IPA in hot weather I prefer maltier brews, such as stouts and porters, when the weather turns cold. And a nice ale when the weather is cool. Or when it’s hot. I am actually very particular about the beer I drink, but not so particular about the type.

      Reply
  3. Tom

    I’ll be damned. I can guarantee these will be a hit with my gang. Do they come in Fireball?

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      If they aren’t available in Fireball yet I’m pretty sure they will be soon. In fact I’m surprised they didn’t start with Fireball. In the meantime though check your local liquor store for some of those tequila lollipops with the worm in them.

      Reply
  4. Kristine Laco

    This does the heart good!
    Satire is my jam. Whiskey pods are not.
    Kristine Laco recently posted…20 Year-Round Starbucks Seasonal Cups That Didn’t Stack UpMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Fortunately satire is spreadable. Whiskey pods…well, they probably could be spread, but I suspect the results would be pretty messy.

      Reply
  5. Ann Koplow

    No matter what the packaging, Chris, your posts are intoxicating.

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I know a book should never be judged by its cover, and I appreciate that you always look beyond the rapper.

      Reply
  6. Anonymous

    So weird! I was sort of relieved to find that these are whisky cocktails rather than single malt, but I think I’ll stick with the spirit neat, or perhaps with just a splash of water to sweeten. Definitely a case of over too soon I fear!

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      It is really weird, and a terrible idea. Even cocktails deserve to be sipped and savored, not taken in a single overwhelming mouthful.

      Reply

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