Annual Report: 2019/2020

April 2019-The Freethinkers Anonymous fiscal year runs from April 1 to March 30, because dates are arbitrary anyway and it’s not like this blog makes any money. And here’s a fun fact: the word “fiscal” comes from the Latin fiscus, meaning “the imperial treasury or privy purse of the Emperor”. My grandfather had a privy. It was out back and had a hole in the door in the shape of a crescent moon. I don’t recall there being a purse in there, although it wasn’t a place you wanted to linger. Speaking of lingering this was the month that staff were confronted with a pileup of approximately three thousand coffee cups in the office sink. Plans to either have a group washing activity or outsource the cleaning to someone with a dishwasher were considered then rejected in favor of smashing all the cups while dancing to the theme from Zorba The Greek.

May 2019-A shortage of coffee cups resulted in staff spending an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen putting creamer and sugar in their mouths before pouring coffee directly from the pot into their mouths. A decision was made by management to use the petty cash to purchase new coffee cups. Staff agreed on the condition that the petty cash purse never be placed in the privy.

June 2019-Someone in the office mentioned that the punctuation mark “colon” is sort of a separator the same way the colon in the intestine is and everyone just sort of drifted off for several hours thinking about that.

July 2019-The annual attempt to find the best milkshake in Nashville once again was disrupted, this time by the realization that there are approximately nine thousand gyro places within five miles of the office. This led to the decision to try to determine which was the best gyro in Nashville, or at least within a five mile radius, and in the interest of fairness the decision was made to test them all at once. This led staff to attempt to answer the question, how many gyros can one person eat in one sitting? The average was three, with a record set by Alex who ate seven and was out the rest of the week.

August 2019-Staff were surprised and overjoyed when it was discovered that ukuleles could be checked out from the public library. The mood was dampened slightly when the boss said, “Hey, did you know I could borrow a ukulele?” and the boss’s wife said, “YOU can’t.”

September 2019-Planning for the book went ahead as usual. Proposed subtitles include:

Never pick apart a golf ball or it will explode and other lies our parents told us

The true story of a boy and his aardvark.

Don’t pick up this book—you don’t know where it’s been.

Chuffed, Naff, Barmy, Wanker, Git, Bollocks, And Other Words I’d Use Constantly If I Were British.

Contains Material Not Included In Previous Editions.

A shoe, a canoe, and a didgeridoo.

Or It Will Be If I Ever Get Around To Writing It

A helpful guide to just read the damn book already.

October 2019-Plans to build a trans-office zipline were put on hold after the only material staff could find was some regular string and no one could get the windows open.

November 2019-No one in the office could remember anything that happened in November and queries resulted in everyone just sort of drifting off for several hours thinking about it.

December 2019– The annual office holiday party was held, as usual, at the Sheepshead Pub on 27th Avenue. As usual no one showed up.

January 2020-Everyone got really excited about the symmetry of the new year and how those novelty glasses you can get that are designed in the shape of the numbers “2020” look really cool. Someone brought up that those number glasses for the previous nine years must have looked pretty stupid, especially 2011, and everyone just sort of drifted off for several hours thinking about that.

February 2020-Valentines and flowers were exchanged by all staff, as usual, with everyone receiving something, except Kevin, as usual.

March 2020-Staff handled the need for self-isolation and working from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic with great aplomb and everyone was about to drift off for several hours thinking about the etymology of the word “aplomb” when management announced that we were out of coffee.

Source: Giphy

 

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13 Comments

  1. Ann Koplow

    You’re my gyro, Chris. Feel free to drift off for several hours thinking about that but please return soon and write us another post about aardvarks, coffee cups, shoes, canoes, didgeridoos, privies, purses, ukuleles, or any damn thing you choose.
    Ann Koplow recently posted…Day 2684: What the world needs nowMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      We may be living through difficult times but I’m already looking forward to a gyroic year ahead with your help.

      Reply
  2. Kristine Laco

    I like…
    Don’t pick up this book—you don’t know where it’s been.
    and
    Chuffed, Naff, Barmy, Wanker, Git, Bollocks, And Other Words I’d Use Constantly If I Were British.
    I think I’ll go off for a few hours and think about that. I’ll get my own coffee.
    Kristine Laco recently posted…Wait, I Still Need ThatMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Could I interest you in a gyro? I seem to have some extra ones lying around. Also a friend of mine went to Britain and said he was going to introduce himself to people by saying, “Bugger off you bloody sod” because he couldn’t believe those were British swear words. I’m pretty sure he never actually did it because he didn’t get punched.

      Reply
  3. Tom

    Poor Kevin, always getting the shaft. But if I’ve told him once I’ve told him a thousand times “Learn the Zorba dance or learn to play the didgeridoo. Til then, you’re nothing.” 🤷

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      I think I have a better shot at learning the Zorba dance. I’ve tried to play the didgeridoo but don’t have the lips for it. True story.

      Reply
  4. BarbaraM

    I did pick apart a golf ball once when I was young. It was fascinating when I cut 1 rubber band and the entire thing unraveled at warp speed, leaving me with a small hard ball (and a stinging palm). Who the hell invented the thing in the first place and what on earth were they thinking it would be good for?

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      So the golf ball really did sort of explode? That’s fantastic. I have no idea who invented the golf ball but I like Tolkien’s explanation that a Hobbit named Bull-Roarer invented it while battling goblins: “He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their King Golfimbul’s head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and sent down a rabbit hole and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.”

      Reply
  5. mydangblog

    I always love your annual report–it gets better every year! Poor Kevin–when will he finally be given his due? Probably never, if I know Kevin.
    mydangblog recently posted…Virtual RealityMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Kevin may never get his due, although I recently took one of those “Which character from pop culture are you?” and the result was Kevin from The Office. Yes. I am Kevin.

      Reply
  6. Jill Everson

    Its awesome reading… I think we should do one like that 🙂

    Reply
  7. Arionis

    I love the annual report! As I was reading I was getting worried that Kevin wouldn’t make an appearance this year but finally got to him in February.
    Arionis recently posted…High On LifeMy Profile

    Reply
    1. Christopher Waldrop (Post author)

      Kevin always has to make it in there somewhere. He hasn’t appeared much lately so I’ve let him pop in at least a couple of times this month.

      Reply

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