Author Archive: Christopher Waldrop

I didn’t shower today…

August 1, 1997

There’s a long-running commercial in which people drag themselves out of bed, stumble in to take a shower, and suddenly, as they sniff the soap, they’re zapped awake. This really frightens me. Why? Because if just sniffing the soap wakes you up, what happens when you spread this stuff all over your skin? There’s gotta be something pretty powerful in there. This does explain morning people, though. Sure, they can claim that they’re just naturally that way, but I’ve known for a long time that people who can be chipper and happy before ten without some kind of artificial stimulant are aberrations of nature. Now I know they’re not really as common as they seem to be. Probably a large number of these so-called morning people are really coming into work stoned on soap. Sure, there are a few people who just naturally leap out of bed in the mornings, but the rest are just as groggy and brainless as the rest of us before their morning lather. And what happens when this high wears off? Are there people out there who keep a couple of bars in their desk at work, one in their car, maybe a few slivers in their wallet or purse–so they can have a quick sniff anytime they need it. Well be careful, and please don’t abuse your soap. There are a lot of things in this world people choose to Just Say No to, but can you imagine what would happen if we gave up soap?


Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What’s a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What’s a monitor?"
"It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?"
"I don’t know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
……
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall."
……
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
……
"Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can’t reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can’t."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there’s a power outage."
"A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I’m afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer."

Another one bites the…

July 25, 1997

What causes people to snap? I mean, what causes people to completely lose their marbles? I’ve been wondering about this because there’s been a lot in the news lately about a man who was living an extravagant lifestyle entirely funded by someone else, a man with no cares, no worries, and no responsibilities, and then suddenly he went on a killing spree. I’m also concerned because I can see a clock tower from my office, and not only are clock towers magnets for lunatics, but this one seems to be calling my name. This week, I’ve spent at least four hours a day on the phone, and of that time, three hours and fifty minutes has been spent on hold while any joy I get from popular music is slowly hacked away. I love Queen’s "Another one bites the dust", but I will never hear it the same way again now that I’ve heard it performed on the pan flute. The frightening thing is, as deranged and warped as it may seem, the cares, worries, and responsibilities of my working week may have been what kept me from going completely over the edge. This worries me more than anything else. I think a little insanity is healthy–it’s good for you. It keeps things in perspective. So if you see someone up in a clock tower hurling water balloons, or if you hear that a harmless madman is calling people and asking if their refrigerator is still running, don’t worry–it’s just me. And if your clock towers are calling out to you, maybe it would be a good thing if you joined me. Can you imagine how terrible it would be if we all suddenly went sane?


Cultural Differences Explained

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G’day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ACCORDING TO YOUR DOG

  1. Thou shalt feed me today more than thou didst yesterday
  2. Thou shalt teach me with food – not big sticks and loud voices
  3. Thou shalt walk with me every day – despite thy favorite TV program
  4. Thou shall not buy furniture that I cannot sit on
  5. Thou shalt not pay attention to anyone else but me – lest I feel un-wanted
  6. Thou shalt love me to death – even when I bark all night
  7. Thou shalt not have a Cat with ATTITUDE and CLAWS
  8. Thou shalt not start the car until I am in it
  9. Thou shalt not hide the food
  10. Thou shalt obey the above without question lest I POOH on the neighbors lawn and promote community strife.

 

Read a book!

July 18, 1997

Recently the major television broadcasters got together and decided to add new ratings to the system already in use (which uses, for example, ratings such as TV-Y, meaning Y Are You Watching This?). Since these new ratings are confusing and often rely on double meanings, I’ve taken it upon myself to define many of the more complex ratings which are already in use:

  • "Inspired by real events." There really is a town named Minville in Wisconsin.

  • "Based on a true story." A woman named Mary Carter with two daughters and one son actually lives in Minville, Wisconsin.

  • "Family Programming" Guaranteed to offend the largest possible segment of the population.

  • "A Made for TV movie" A group of actors couldn’t find work.

  • "A Made for TV movie inspired by real events" A group of actors who couldn’t find work were bribed into making a shallow social statement.

Since commercials are also going to be subjected to a ratings system, here are a few definitions of terms already in use:

  • "For a limited time only" We’re not sure people will buy it.

  • "Try an old favorite" We’ve fired our New Product Development team

  • "Better than the bargain brand" Does the same job, but comes in a really nifty container

Before I send you on into this week’s offering, a couple of historical events deserve a brief mention:

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts have officially become part of the Smithsonian Museum’s collection. Forming part of the exhibit is the first ever Krispy Kreme doughnut. More importantly, the Freethinker Family has expanded. Sydney Renee Wagner, my neice, was born at 2:03 AM today. As happy as I am about this, I hope this doesn’t mean she’s a morning person.


PRISON vs WORK

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.


This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU.

The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

 

Beach Blanket Bull

July 11, 1997

Summertime is a time when most people think of going to the beach. However, if you can’t make it to the beach, don’t despair. Think of what you’ll be missing: shards of broken glass, crowds, sharks, hot sand on bare feet, sunburn, planes pulling banners that say, "1-800-DERMATOLOGIST", and beach pests. What is a beach pest? Let me share with you my own experience with homo vexatius subsp. litus: His name was Ralph. Ralph had dark gray hair combed straight down all around his head, horn-rimmed sunglasses, and skin with the texture of fine leather and the color of a slightly underripe strawberry. He was wearing bermuda shorts that came down to his knees, and sandals. He had on a red shirt with a tropical flower design that was stretched so tighly over his enormous, sagging torso that the thick white hairs popping out all around the neckline looked like broken guitar strings. I overheard Ralph trying to encourage a couple and their two daughters to visit a beach house that had just opened a short walk away. His voice was like a parrot’s–if a parrot could form semi-coherent sentences. He offered the family a clock, a towel, a bottle of suntan lotion, and, "just because I like you," a free 5-day trip to Orlando. At one point he asked where they were from. "Canada?!?" His voice cracked across the beach and killed a seagull in midflight. "We LOVE Canadians!" No luck. He moved on to me. Unperturbed by my knowledge of the things he would offer me–clock, beachtowel, suntan lotion, he pressed on. I then said, "I’m from Nashville. Do you love Nashvillians? Do I get a free 5-day trip to Orlando?" Ralph suddenly became aware that he was in the presence of Beach Pest Repellent. He murmured, "Come on by" and moved on to fresher meat. I later heard him setting back international relations by half a century. "Germany? We LOVE Germanians!"


Bumper Stickers

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.

* All generalizations are false.

* Cover me. I’m changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.

* I’m not as think as you drunk I am.

* Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

* Forget the Jones’s, I keep up with the Simpsons.

* Born free…Taxed to death.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

* Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS.

* Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

* No radio – Already stolen.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

* Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.

* IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

* It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

* How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* i souport publik edekashun.

* Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t

* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

* I used to be worried about apathy. Now I don’t really care.

Freethinkers Anonymous Contains 0 Calories.

July 3, 1997

Well, folks, this is coming to you early because I have a long weekend coming. Yes, the 4th of July, the American Independence Day, not to be confused with the 4th of February, which is the Sri Lankan Independence Day. As with most holidays, we Americans will take this time to consume massive quantities of things we normally deny ourselves. This is because of our national pastime, dieting, which has led to an obsession with less fat, low fat, and fat free products. I see more and more products taking the reduced fat path, including products which never had fat in them to begin with. Pretzels, chewing gum, and aluminum foil are just a few items I’ve seen with "Fat Free" on them. So, if you’re trying not to indulge this weekend, let me provide a quick guide to some other fat free items:

  • water

  • sugar

  • flour

  • baking soda

  • shampoo

  • the glue you used to eat in primary school

  • asbestos

Please enjoy this week’s low-fat offerings.


Top 10 Best-Loved Archway Cookie Flavors

10. Crunchy Nuggets O’ Tungsten N’ Beryl
9. Old Fashioned Weasel-Hair Zesties
8. The one where they just take Girl Scout cookies & add a glistening drop of Retsin.
7. Tainted Clam Newtons
6. Crunchy Toffee N’ Crack
5. Ed Asner Armpit Butter-Cookies
4. Dried Patties of Crest Toothpaste Minties
3. Anatomically Correct Animal Crackers
2. Soft N’ Chewwy Chocolate Molded to Look Like Walaby Poop
1. Mickey Maca-Rooneys

WORLD IDEOLOGIES EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS

FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.

PURE ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

OLYMPICS-ISM You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald’s buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids. They are set out to graze on privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of clever and unprincipled marketing strategies. When you mortgage your artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy meat, you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses because there is no health care plan to treat you. The corporate management uses your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows raised "naturally" on tree-free rain forest land outside of the country where labor and resources are cheap.

Happy Anniversary!

June 27, 1997

Well, folks, it’s a special occasion today. Another year has gone by, and it’s my wedding anniversary again. This special Freethinker Edition is being broadcast to you from…well, my office, but I’ve got a piano player here in my office to add a note of seriousness to the occasion. I’d like to bring the room down for a moment, but then I’ll bring it right back up again with some material provided by Holly for the enjoyment of everyone. Normally I don’t disclose my sources, but, heck, what are rules for, anyway? First, though, I’ve asked Rick to play "Misty" for me. I know you’re all terribly upset that you won’t be able to hear it, but look on the bright side. None of you will have to listen to me sing.


Quotes From
STEPHEN WRIGHT

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.

What’s another word for "thesaurus"?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go."

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out."

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that’s much better.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My school colors were clear.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

I’m taking La maze classes. I’m not having a baby, I’m just having trouble breathing.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

He’s in a minimum security prison now; he’s on a whiffle-ball and chain.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I’m chased by a herd of deer.

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why’d you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don’t believe everything I read."

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks – I’m not going that far."

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.

I’m a peripheral visionary.

I make my own water – two glasses of H, one glass of O.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

What a nice night for an evening.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.

Submitted For Your Approval

June 20, 1997

Christopher Waldrop: a man without ideas. Little does he know, though, that a bizarre and ironic adventure awaits him which involves a spaceship, two midgets, a talking doll, a car that drives itself, and a magical slot machine. Then Mr. Waldrop will discover that he really is Santa Claus. First, however, consider the following piece of information. Information which could only come to you in the Freethinker Zone.

What if we reduced the world to a village of just 1,000 people? What then? How would the numbers pan out, eh? It’s an interesting question. The answer, according to the World Village Project, is that there’d be 584 Asians, 124 Africans, 84 Latin Americans, 95 Eastern/Western Europeans, 55 (former) Soviets, 52 North Americans, 4 Australians and 2 New Zealanders. Moreover, in this village of 1,000 there’d be 330 children and only 60 people over the age of 65. There’d be seven teachers and one doctor. 70 people would own automobiles.


All questions are being answered by kids 5-10

 

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)

"Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for the second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kelly, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are…on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"?

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…That’s why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don’t forget your wife’s name…That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

Friday the 13th…

June 13, 1997

Well, it’s Friday the 13th. I’m sure this has happened sometime before in the long history of Freethinkers Anonymous, but I’ve just never mentioned it before. Some people would say it’s dangerous to start pointing it out now, but I’m not superstitious. This is partly because I’m a Sagittarius. Seriously, though, years ago a black cat walked in front of me and…nothing happened! Ever since then I’ve been tempting fate–purposely breaking superstitions to see if anything will happen. I’ve spilled salt, walked under ladders, broken mirrors…There’s a Sri Lankan superstition that looking through a picket fence while you walk by it will make you crazy. I did that, and I’m still completely sane! So now I’m going to laugh off Friday the 13th. Why? Because superstitions depend on belief, and I don’t believe anything will happen to m


Medical Diagnoses

These are quotes taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians… (They all need to take a remedial English class!)

**By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

**Patient has chest pain if she lays on her side for over a year.

**The patient states that there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

**On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

**She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

**The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

**I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

**Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

**I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

**The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

**Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

**The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

**Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 y/o male, mentally alert but forgetful.

**The patient refused an autopsy.

**The patient has no past history of suicides.

**The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

**Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

**Patient has become more demented with urinary frequency.

**The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

**She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

**The patient experienced sudden onset of shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

**The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

You know you are not a kid when…

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it any more.

Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun.

The average ten-year-old doesn’t have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

Being bad is no longer cool.

You have friends who are married.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

You are taller than the slide at the McDonald’s playland.

Your parents’ jokes are now funny.

You have ever said, "Whatch-you talkin’ ’bout Willis?"

You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Christmas starts to piss you off.

You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, ’cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

Two words: parachute pants.

Naps are good.

Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

You no longer do the "pee pee" dance.

You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".

When you know that the machines in the gas station bathrooms don’t dispense balloons.

When things go wrong, you can’t just yell, "Do-over!"

Playboy’s Playmate of the month is younger than you.

The only thing in your cereal box is … cereal.

You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

Your idea of fun parties now include Chips ‘n’ salsa and Snapple.

You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

You WANT clothes for Christmas.

You don’t want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You’ve bought an album on vinyl.

You saw Star Wars the FIRST time it came out.

Boiled cabbage, anyone?

June 6, 1997

This is true–and you know you’re in trouble when I start with that: the most critically acclaimed musical this year is one based on the voyage of the Titanic. Take a moment to consider that. Someone took an ill-fated sea-voyage which cost several human lives and set it to music. So I’ve decided I’m going to quit my job and start writing musical librettos (I can’t write the music because I’m about as musically inclined as a boiled cabbage). I’ll start my career with, "Oh the Humanity!", which will be about the Hindenburg. It’s got all the qualities of a good musical: wacky goose-stepping German stereotypes, love stories that can end happily right before they end tragically, and a wacky wisecracking radio announcer. I think the most exciting part will be the climactic ending when flaming performers dive from the laser-lit backdrop.

My next piece will be something on an even grander scale. The ice age, with its wacky caveman stereotypes, easy jokes about men trying to be more sensitive and teenages adapting more easily to a changing world than their parents. And we all know how cute and cuddly wooly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers are, which means Disney will buy the idea. Finally, I’ll conclude my career with my magnum opus–a what-if story about how humanity reacts when the sun explodes. Actually I’ll just be rehashing the Hindenburg story with fewer stereotypes, more love stories, and a wacky, wisecracking astronomer. Hey, if people go nuts over a musical about the Titanic, they’ll buy anything.


I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
— A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F’s":
1.fighting;
2.fleeing;
3.feeding; and,
4.mating.
–Psychology professor in Neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
— Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago … we’re one of them."

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
— Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work? "The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
— Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
— William James

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hotstove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
— Mark Twain

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
— Dave Barry

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leatherstraps.
— Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
— F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.
— Hunter S. Thompson’s Samoan Attorney

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?"
— Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
— Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
— George Carlin

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
— John F. Kennedy

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1.Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2.Advising the President.
3.Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
4.David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
— Johnny Carson

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
— In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
— Old Farmer’s Almanac

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
— Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
— Plutarch

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
— Salvador Dali

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
— Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
— Mark Twain

"Time’s fun when you’re having flies."
— Kermit the Frog

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
— Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]

Left Out?

May 21, 1997

Well, folks, I’ll be on vacation over the next few days, but I promise to be back in time with a new edition on Friday, June 6th. I have to take a vacation from my calendar. I’m left-handed, so someone gave me a Left-Handers’ Calendar last Christmas. Supposedly this thing is written by lefties about lefties and for lefties. However, we’re nearly halfway through the year, and here are a few samples to give you an idea of what most of these things are like:

  • In ancient Japan, a man could divorce his wife if he discovered she was left-handed.

  • Some scientists believe it’s an injury in the womb that causes left-handedness.

  • In France, "passing the weapon to the left" means to die.

  • Jack the Ripper was left-handed.

  • Italian psychiatrist Cesare Lombroso claimed that lefties are psychologically prone to violence and degenerate behavior.

Is this all they could find? Isn’t there anything GOOD about lefties? It’s no wonder lefties are violent degenerates–nobody can say anything NICE about us. Argh, it just makes me want to dress up like an armadillo and rob a liquor store. Then I got this one:

  • The Left Bank district in Paris has traditionally been associated with the unconventional, nonconforming lifestyle of artists, writers, and freethinkers.

I’m glad they finally got something right.


QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE

Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together…."

Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former."

Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things."

Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it."

Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

Woody Allen: "I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

William J. Broad: "The crux… is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."

Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don’t know what it’s a plan for."

Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."

Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton: "I’m worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It’s not holding a charge."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

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