Author Archive: Christopher Waldrop

Your Secret’s Safe With Me

June 25, 1999

Earlier this week the vice-president spent a little time in the fair city of Nashville, and on the fair college campus where I work. This of course meant that, for a while, the place was swarming with Secret Service guys in their inconspicuous black suits, white shirts, sunglasses, and clear plastic hearing aids. It also meant that huge areas were taped off and marked "NO ADMITTANCE". All I wanted to do was get to work. Because the lawns were taped off, I was forced to cut through buildings. Because the buildings were also infested with the SS, I was priveleged enough to meet one. "Hold it," he said, standing up from his chair in the hallway. "Where are you going?" I replied, "The library." This seemed to baffle him.

"Library…library…what floor is that on?" Now, this was a classic opportunity for a sarcastic, toying-with-authority sort of remark, especially since the library is in a completely different building, but, as much as I hate to admit it, I’m a coward when it comes to such things. Every time an opportunity like this comes up, a little voice whispers in my ear, "Remember Groucho." Groucho Marx, on a return flight from Europe, put down his occupation on his customs form as "smuggler". He then sat in customs for five hours while his luggage was systematically shredded. Delusions of authority deprive some people of their sense of humor, and, I could tell this secret service guy was no exception. His eyeballs were jiggling. He’d probably been sitting in that chair drinking coffee for hours. To make it worse, he was probably a bundle of nerves, frustration, and failed ambitions. The top-notch Secret Service guys get to guard the President. This guy was not only assigned to the VP team, but his whole assignment was to sit in an empty hallway stopping librarians. He didn’t have what it takes to be part of the REAL Secret Service. In short, I felt sorry for him. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have told him my tuna fish sandwich was a case of C4 explosive. Being able to arrest me would have given him a feeling of importance, and it would have given me a nice vacation from work for a few hours. Or three to six months. At least I didn’t have any luggage to worry about.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


Ads in Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels… I write, "Could you throw this away for me, please? Thank you."

Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walked off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.


My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes.’ For Cripe’s sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’. I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘how can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.


My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out there entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating… you finish off as a gleam.

Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% "I don’t know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote… They’re voting "I don’t know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON’T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I’m not in the mood."

Answering Machine:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? "Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love.’" Beep." "Uh, yeah… this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

World Leaders:

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here’s the scoop on the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: associates with healers and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.,

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??


Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Candidate B is Winston Churchill,
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler,

Kind of Scary…

We’re Not Really Related

June 18, 1999

You may recall my Uncle Rupert’s failed attempt to drive to Europe, but you may not know why exactly he set out on such a journey. At the time, there was a little skirmish going on known as World War II, and Uncle Rupert was kept out of military service by his flat feet, his twisted kneecap, and his wooden eye. He decided that if he couldn’t be a participant, he’d be a spectator. However, he had a lot of time to think on his trip, and realized that, if he could drive to Europe, the Germans, the Russians, the French, and other miscellaneous foreigners could just as easily drive over and do whatever it was we were doing to them.

For his and Vita’s protection, he purchased, by mail-order, a Reynolds Air-Powered Repeating Long-Barreled Core-Drilled Rifle (some assembly required). Equipped with Uncle Rupert’s own hair-trigger design, this top-of-the-line firearm sat in the corner of the kitchen gathering dust for about thirty years until the fateful day when, over the house, swooping in dangerously close, Uncle Rupert spotted…a great blue heron. Having seen pictures of this bird in the National Geographics in Doc Emmett’s office (specially abridged to remove objectionable native costumes, or lack thereof) Rupert knew it was beautiful, rare, and endangered. Therefore, he would later explain to the sheriff, he thought it’d be the perfect thing to stuff, mount, and put above the fireplace. He grabbed his rifle, and fired. Now, if you’ve ever used a high-power firearm, you know about a phenomenon known as kick. On hunting trips, Rupert usually held the spotlight while his brother held the gun, so he wasn’t quite prepared for the gun’s power. He managed to take out the heron, three windows, and a pot of japonicas before landing finally on the porch. Unfortunately the heron was in no condition to be stuffed, but if you ever visit Rupert ask him about the gun. He’ll proudly show you the pictures of its handsome display case, currently in the possession of the FBI.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

A new computer "virus" is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far more insidious than the recent Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace.

The CEO of, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error message: ‘Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.’ I threw my laptop across the room."

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company, 10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same e-mail kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a pronoun’s possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers broken."

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn’t return to the "bad, old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major who couldn’t make it on a trading floor. When you’re buying and selling on margin, I don’t think it’s anybody’s business if I write that ‘i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.’"

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased employees’ productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn’t come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from Strunkenwhite’s mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite’s dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The White House speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is. . ." and "in fact. . . ."

Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it. The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to exploit the vulnerability of business’s reliance on computers. "This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever encountered. We just can’t imagine what kind of devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in orders for Strunk & White’s "The Elements of Style."

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day..
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.

My tire was thumping..
I thought it was flat..
when I looked at the tire..
I noticed your cat.. Sorry.

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends..
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine,
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you..
How upset you must be..
But don’t fret about it..
She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead..
it was once so great
Don’t you regret installing
Windows 98?

You totaled your car..
and can’t remember why..
could it have been..
that case of Bud Dry?

We’re havin’ a heat wave

June 11, 1999

Or, alternatively, "How about this heat?" Of course nothing beats the classic "Hotter than a two dollar pistol," a phrase that has come to have even greater meaning over the years. As you know, it’s early in the summer and already temperatures are reaching record highs. This has a lot of people talking about global warming. Now, admittedly, I believe in global warming, especially since there’s a lot of strong science behind it, but what bothers me is everyone complains about it. Very few people have given serious thought to some of the potential benefits of global warming. So here are a few:

  • Without icebergs, the Titanic wouldn’t have had a problem.

  • With its new Mediterranean climate, Canada will have a huge tourism industry.

  • Polyester, sales of which have been declining for years, will finally go where it belongs: the back of everyone’s attic.

  • If someone says, "I’ll make you a deal on some beachfront property in Nevada," they’ll actually be serious.

  • Higher amounts of carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide in the atmosphere will take some of the pressure off of smokers.

  • If you punch a guy who says, "How about this heat?" no jury will convict you.

So remember: there’s a bright side to everything. Especially since scientists now believe the sun is putting out more energy now than it was a decade ago, thus adding to the effects of global warming. I think it’s time to buy stock in air conditioning.

Enjoy this week’s hot offerings.

Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

  1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

  2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

  3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

  4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

  5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

  6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

  7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

  8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!.

  9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

  10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

  11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.


If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Why 2K?

June 4, 1999

Now that the year is almost half over, I’ve started thinking about the Y2K bug. Okay, this may seem a little late, but compared to the Department of Energy, the Pentagon, and Romania, I’m way ahead of the game. What worries me most about the Y2K bug is not the dire predictions and the possible failures of banks, electricity and water providers, and planes in midair. What worries me is that nothing will happen. I’m worried that the Y2K bug is going to turn out to be as dangerous as an ant under a magnifying glass on a hot July day. Although they’re small in number, there are people who are stocking up on everything from gasoline to guns in preparation for nothing short of armageddon. The year 2000 is, for them, the big one, the one they’ve been waiting for all their lives, when they’ll stop being outcasts and start pushing the rest of us–if there are any of us left–around. And when people really think something is going to happen, they have a tendency to try and make it happen. Back around the last millenium, some people got really worried that the Muslims, who were basically content to leave other faiths alone, might turn violent. So they staged a little event called the Crusades that make the French plan to celebrate the year 2000 by floating multicolored glow-in-the-dark eggs down the Seine look, well, a little less stupid. The result was, of course, violent Muslims. (Interestingly the Crusades also resulted in the end of the feudal system in Western Europe, but I doubt as much good would come from the disappearance of a few million bank accounts.)

Of course, even if we make it past the year 2000 without some problems, there’s still the year 2001. Then after that there’s the year 2012 which the Mayans, various interpreters of Nostradamus, and several wacko prophets are claiming is the REAL big one. Maybe it’s not such a bad idea to stock up on a few necessities like toilet paper and hand grenades. From here, it looks like it’s going to be a long millenium.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

To: Trojan Army Listserv <>

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra–it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.





The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.




I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I’ve seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs,one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tip offs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" stuff. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It’s signed "from Poseidon." Granted he’s had his problems with Odysseus but he’s one of their guys, isn’t he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,


The Top Ten Signs You Have A Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn’t come in different colors with little M’s on them.

and the Number 1 Sign You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO…

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

What Do YOU Use ‘Em For?

May 28, 1999

It’s been said that things come in threes. Actually it was my Great Aunt Vita who told me that, and she also told me that the Earth was only six thousand years old, that the sun revolved around it, and that rubbing a lima bean on your hand will remove warts, so maybe she wasn’t the most reliable source of information. This week, however, three unusual things have drawn my attention and then remained on the surface of my mind. This probably says more about me and Aunt Vita’s continuing influence than anything else, but…Before I digress any further, here are those three things:

  • In a fast food restaurant there’s a small note at the bottom of menu over the cash register that says, "Picture menus available on request." Who is this for? Obviously it’s for people who can’t read. But if it’s for people who can’t read, how are they supposed to read the note?

  • Last Friday I received a note from the building manager: the air conditioning would be turned off for repairs over the weekend, so the manager wasn’t sure whether it would be really cold, really hot, or normal. I was advised to "please dress accordingly." Accordingly to what?

  • And the third thing was…well, there was no third thing. I was deliberately leading you on in the hopes that something would happen while I was typing. Has anybody got any lima beans?

Arizona: But It’s a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the S

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People Seven Last Names

Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, That’s Just Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and more Big Sky

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a @*#%! Motto? I Got Yer @*#%! Motto Right Here

New Mexico: Our Aliens Are Better Than The California Kind

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an attorney…

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: Tennesseein’ is Tennebelievin’

Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

Washington: Help We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family – Really

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little while and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery." The priest says: "How many times?" The woman answers: "Three times." The priest tells her, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest says, "What did you do?" The man asnwers, "I committed adultery." The priest asks, "How many times?" The man replies, "Three times." The priest tells him, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The rabbi says, "What did you do?" The woman replies, "I committed adultery." The rabbi asks, "How many times?" The woman says "Once." The rabbi says, "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.00."

What Would George Orwell Think?

May 21, 1999

There’s an apocryphal story about a farmer who lived in California during the Gold Rush years. The farmer happened to hear that a circus was coming to the nearest town and bringing an elephant. Having never seen an elephant, he loaded up his wagon with vegetables to sell and headed off toward town. On the way, his wagon fell into a ditch and he lost all the vegetables he was planning to sell. While trying to get his wagon out of the ditch, the circus caravan with the elephant went by. When asked by friends why he wasn’t upset about losing the money he would have made, he said, "Hang all that, I saw the elephant!" I envy that man for living in such simple times. If he lived today, he would probably have to abandon his crops and let them rot in the fields while he waited hours, maybe even days in line to see the elephant. Worse, he’d have to wait with people dressed like elephants who would entertain each other by quizzing each other with obscure pachydermal facts, and who would occasionally pester him with lengthy explanations of inconsistencies in the movie "Dumbo". Of course, we do have modern-day elephants, and I certainly would like to see the elephant that’s in town right now, a relative of an elephant I saw as a child, but it’s going to be in town for at least the next six months. Sooner or later I’ll be able to get a ticket and step right in without having to stand around so long I start to smell like an elephant. In the meantime, I’ve got crops to take care of.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y’all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. ("Like possum…which tastes a lot like chicken.")

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear, "Luke, I am your father…and your uncle…"

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts arenot appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

Not Exactly Blinded by Science

May 14, 1999

Ten years ago I tried diet soda for the first and last time. It was almost a new decade, and I thought, "Hey, how bad can it taste?" Of course, it tasted like wet cardboard with an aftertaste of mucilage. I swore off diet soda for life. Then, recently, I tried it again. After all, science has made tremendous advances in the last ten years. Sheep have been cloned. New theories about the structure of matter have finally begun to unravel the mysteries of quantum particles. And cheaper, smaller space exploration made it possible to give rocks on another planet the most idiotic names imaginable. My recent experience with diet soda, however, shows how much farther we have to go. It tasted like sweetened wet cardboard, and the mucilage aftertaste was considerably muted. I was also able to take my mind off the taste by reading the nutrition information on the can. It went something like this: Calories-0 Fat-0 Saturated Fat-0 Polyunsatured Fat-0 Polly-Wanna-Cracker-Fat-0 Protein-0 Flavor-0. Then, below that useful information, was a note that said, "Not a significant source of other nutrients." What do they mean other nutrients? It doesn’t sound like it’s a source of any nutrients. However, diet soda does contain, as a friend pointed out, a new chemical that, in a few lucky people, causes a severe allergic reaction and possibly even death. After death, sudden and rapid weight loss ensues. So science may not have perfected diet soda, but they’ve come a long way with dieting.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
’cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom

These are spelling and grammar errors found on chart review at a hospital on the east coast:

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children

Keep Off The Wet Grass

May 7, 1999

Lewis Carrol, speaking through one of his characters, said, "Every day I try to believe six impossible things before breakfast." I used to try to do this myself most days, but lately it’s just become too easy. What I mean is that we live in a world where it’s not only easy to believe the impossible, or at the very least the really really weird, but where we’re confronted with it every single day. The other day, while walking across the lovely college campus where I work, I saw three groundskeepers spraying green stuff on the lawn. It hadn’t rained for about a week, and the grass was dry and turning yellow…so they came out to paint the grass green. To make it even worse, the paint they were using smelled like a combination of turpentine and formaldehyde, with a little camphor thrown in. I almost expected to see the Queen of Hearts, or maybe the mayor, come running out screaming, "Off with their heads!" Even if that had happened, I wouldn’t have been surprised. In a world where people actually have to paint the grass green there’s no such thing as the impossible. The really strange thing is they were doing it before breakfast.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

Quick Thoughts

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?

Use this simple exercise to deal with stress:

Picture yourself very near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world". the soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is so clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now, don’t you feel better?

What’s Next, the Circus?

April 30, 1999

Recently a ban on ice cream trucks in a small community outside Boston was lifted. I first heard about this several months ago, and apparently the people who first crammed it down the throats of the community are already trying to get it restored. What do they have against the ice cream man? Here are their reported complaints:

1. The drivers of the ice cream trucks could be complete strangers, and there’s no way to know what sort of people they are.

Okay, this is a legitimate concern, but rather than banning the ice cream truck, as much a staple of summertime as going barefoot and playing baseball, why don’t parents get out and meet the ice cream delivery person? Maybe things have changed since I was a kid, but when my friends and I would go to buy ice cream, we were always accompanied by an adult. If the parents can’t be there, then how about setting down a few simple rules? Here’s one: The ice cream man never gets out of his truck, and no one else ever goes in. That should prevent a lot of problems.

2. They’re concerned about the lack of nutritional value in fudgesicles and nutty buddies.

Here’s a radical idea: if parents don’t want their kids eating the ice cream, they should say no. If nobody buys the ice cream, the trucks will stop coming. With the ice cream truck, anyway, a boycott is just as effective as clogging up the local legislature with unnecessary laws.

3. Children could get hurt by traffic when they’re chasing after the ice cream trucks.

Children could also get hurt climbing trees, but when have you ever heard of them being denounced as a safety hazard? And although I’d rather not see anyone get hit by a car, is it fair to blame the ice cream truck when some other driver is the one at fault?

4. The music they play is annoying.

The music my hillbilly neighbors play is annoying too. It’s also a lot louder, and goes on for hours, but there’s nothing I can do about it unless it’s after 9PM. Compared to the twangs of "Erlene Done Left Me For A Mule", a few minutes of "Pop Goes the Weasel" is pleasant, and brings back some happy memories of summers long ago.

The ban, by the way, was lifted because of the efforts of a six-year old girl who wrote to law enforcement officials in surrounding areas. She found no evidence of kidnapping, drug peddling, abuse, or injury associated with ice cream delivery trucks. Look for it on an upcoming episode of "Kids Repeal The Darnedest Laws."

Enjoy this week’s offerings guaranteed not to rot your teeth.


Learn all about your personality…

Pick your favorite flavor of ice cream from the following:
1) Vanilla
2) Chocolate
3) Butter pecan
4) Banana
5) Strawberry
6) Chocolate chip

Pick your flavor before you continue…

Don’t peek! Are you ready to learn about your personality? A national manufacturer of ice cream, Edy’s Grand Ice Cream, commissioned an ice cream flavorology study to determine how ice cream preferences relate to personality. The study, conducted by Dr.Alan R. Hirsch (MD), Neurological Director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, revealed that distinct personalities correspond with ice cream flavors.

If you like vanilla, you are colorful, impulsive, a risk taker who sets high goals and has high expectations of yourself. You also enjoy close family relationships.

If you like chocolate, you are lively, creative, dramatic, charming, enthusiastic, and the life of the party. Chocolate fans enjoy being at the center of attention and can become bored with the usual routine.

If you like butter pecan, you are orderly, perfectionistic, careful, detail-oriented, conscientious, ethical, and fiscally conservative. You are also competitive, aggressive in sports, and the take-charge type of personality.

If you like banana, you are easy going, well adjusted, generous, honest, and empathetic.

If you like strawberry, you are shy, yet emotionally robust, skeptical, detail oriented, opinionated, introverted, and self critical.

If you like chocolate chip, you are generous, competitive, and accomplished. You are charming in social situations, ambitious, and competent.

The flavorology research compatibility chart for ice cream lovers:

If your favorite flavor is:

Vanilla – you are most likely to be compatible with someone whose favorite flavor is vanilla.

Chocolate – compatible with butter pecan or chocolate chip.

Butter Pecan – compatible with butter pecan, chocolate and chocolate chip.

Banana – compatible with all flavors.

Strawberry – compatible with chocolate chip.

Chocolate Chip – compatible with butter pecan, strawberry or chocolate.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
–Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
–Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
–Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
–Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.
–Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
–Rosemary, Age 7

Don’t flush the toilet when you dad’s in the shower.
–Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
–Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
–Nicholas, Age 11

Don’t ever be too full for dessert.
–Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don’t answer him.
–Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
–Michael, Age 14

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.
–Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.
–Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
–Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
–Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.
–Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.
–Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do.
–Hank, Age 12

Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand.
–Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
–Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
–Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
–Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake. Go for the icing!
–Cynthia, Age 8

You Want To Do WHAT With My Credit Card?

April 23, 1999

Recently some very wise bureaucrats in San Francisco decided to take on the problem of homelessness by (I’m not kidding here) giving homeless people credit card machines. That way if you want to give a homeless guy a sizeable (and presumably tax-deductible) donation, you no longer have to fumble around in your wallet and hope he doesn’t see that embarassing twenty while you’re pulling out the torn and stained single. Now you can just whip out your credit card, let him run it through his machine, and preferably use your own pen to sign the receipt. Now the credit card that’s "everywhere you want to be" is also going to be everywhere you don’t want to be.The one that allows you to "discover the possibilities" will now also help you discover the origin of that strange smell.

Maybe it’s not such a bad idea, though. Let’s say every homeless person in the San Francisco area gets his or her own credit card machine. The main reason the majority of homeless people are homeless in the first place is because they have mental problems but, for various reasons, cannot be institutionalized. They can’t hold steady or even temporary jobs because of a severe lack of social skills. With credit card machines, however, they’ll learn a very important, very marketable skill, and at the same time they’ll forget how to handle regular money. Put these things together: impaired mental function, no social skills, and the ability to only handle credit card transactions. Yes, today’s homeless are tomorrow’s retail workers. And what will become of the current retail workers? They’ll probably end up homeless until someone comes up with a plan to give them their own credit card machines.

Enjoy this week’s offerings.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
89 cents
89 cents lb.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

The Washington Post’s "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners (1998):

Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: terminal coolness.

Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.

Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.

Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.

Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer

Glibido: all talk and no action.

Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.

Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

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