February 4, 2000
According to some recent reports, the commercialization of space will be one of the major developments of the next fifty years. Although right now companies are using engineering techniques, new materials, and even drugs developed in space (insert your own joke about weightlesness and sexual-potency pills here), space-hotels and even tours of the planets may soon no longer be mere science fiction. Normally I would say that the last thing we need is the commercialization of anything else, but space is the one thing I can get gung-ho about. Short of a typographical error followed by a series of wacky mishaps, commercial flights are the only way out-of-shape slobs like myself could get a glimpse of worlds beyond. The problem is that, no matter how old I get, the future always seems to be a long way off. Chances are the only way I’ll make it into space is if someone takes my ashes up in a rocket. But in case I do live to see commercial space flight, I plan to buy a trip by writing advertising. With that in mind, here are a few sample slogans I’ve been working on:
- Mercury: The Last Tan You’ll Ever Need
- Venus: Carbon dioxide atmosphere, sulphuric acid snow, and plenty of sunlight. It’s Los Angeles without the tourists!
- Mars: Spot a Martian, and your trip is free!
- Jupiter: It’s big. Really, really big.
- Saturn: Ring in the new year…here! (The next planet could be the perfect getaway place, but not many people are going to put up with the jokes they’ll get when they say, "I’m vacationing near Uranus.")
- Neptune: When we say ‘get away from it all’, we mean it.
- Pluto: It’s cold. It’s dark. There’s nothing to do. It’s just like North Dakota.
Enjoy this week’s offerings.
Three guys are working on a high-rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve’s wife gave it to me." "That’s unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Steve’s widow.’" She said, "No, I’m not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
@ 50`F New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
@40`F Californians shiver uncontrollably.
@35`F Italian cars won’t start.
Canadians drive with windows down.
@32`F Distilled water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.
@0`F New York landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
@ -40`F Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent videos.
@ -60`F Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
@-100`F Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
@ -173`F Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the
@ -460`F All atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "Cold eh?"
@-500`F Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.